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Politically Incorrect

Bombs Away

by Arthur Weinreb
April, 1999

Mel Lastman will probably take some heat during 1999. Either Toronto won't be able to hold the line on taxes or people will complain loudly about the reduction in services (e.g. why can't all the snow be cleared from my street before it stops snowing?). The mayor is going to need something to divert attention away from the problems of the day. But, what?

The first thing the mayor will have to do is examine how other great leaders would handle the situation. Franklin Roosevelt would have had fireside chats. Jean Chretien would tell 'pepper' jokes. But since Mel already talks and jokes a lot, those strategies won't work. To be successful, Mayor Lastman will have to take a page from the greatest leader of the century (no, make that the millennium)-- William Jefferson Clinton. When Bubba sees trouble a comin', he bombs Iraq.

That's what the mayor can do--bomb Iraq.

There are a couple of problems with that idea. Toronto doesn't have an air force and it's a long way to Baghdad. As well, bombing Iraq could totally destroy that country leaving Clinton helpless when the next scandal surfaces. No--if Mayor Lastman wants to use this strategy, he's going to have to bomb Mississauga.

Mississauga (an Indian word meaning 'retail factory outlet') is the source of a lot of Toronto's problems. Residents of Mississauga don't pay any property taxes to the City of Toronto, but use our roads, transit system and other infrastructure. By ridding the megacity of the 'big burb', Toronto's overtaxed citizens will benefit.

There are, of course, logistical problems in bombing Mississauga. How will the bombs be deployed? Since we have no aircraft, Toronto will have to rely upon city limousines. As the limos currently only operate between Toronto City Hall and Metro Hall, their long range capabilities have not been tested. But, assuming they can make it to Mississauga, how will the bombs be dropped?

Back in the 1960s China exploded a nuclear device by dropping it from a 300-foot tower. The joke was that China was capable of completely annihilating any country that let it build a 300-foot tower. Mel could build a tower in Mississauga, but he'll probably have to get planning approval first and undertake an environmental assessment. Look on the bright side--it will probably be quicker than having to get approval in Toronto.

Unlike Clinton, Lastman just takes unilateral action. He'll have to go to City Council who will refer the matter to a committee. The committee will send it to sub committees and eventually it will come back to City Hall for a vote. The vote will be in favour of the bombing, but before the first limousine reaches the Humber, some councillor will want the issue re-opened and another vote taken. By the time the matter is finished, Mel will be out of office and no one will remember why Mississuaga was to be bombed in the first place.

Hazellville will be safe--and it will be politics as usual in Toronto.