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Politically Incorrect

CANADA'S CHOICE: THE NEXT U.S. PRESIDENT

by Arthur Weinreb


December 14, 1999

Guessing who the next prime minister of Canada will be is boring. We all know it will be Jean Chretien--unless he decides to retire in which case it will be Paul Martin. "Retire" is perhaps the wrong word for although Chretien may leave politics he will probably return to Shawinigan and look for other employment. He'll have no trouble because Shawinigan is booming, having been blessed with a local MP that spared no expense when it came to looking after his constituents.

What is more interesting is who will be elected as the next president of the United States in November 2000. Who that will be is important to Canadians, especially those who are traumatized by the thought of Canadian culture being obliterated by our neighbours to the south (ever notice how we are a multicultural country except when the U.S. is involved and then we only have one?) For Canadians there is only one choice--George W. Bush. Our country has nothing to fear from

Bush; he probably doesn't even know that we exist.

Bush is the presidential candidate who when asked by an interviewer to name the heads of some of the world’s hot spots, couldn't name the leaders of Pakistan, India or Chechnya. He knew that the last name of the President of Taiwan was Lee but given the fact that there are about five very common Chinese surnames, it was most likely a lucky guess. And if Bush doesn't know who's in charge of the hot spots, you can bet he doesn't know anything about the cold spots.

"Dubya" is also the guy who confuses Slovenia with Slovakia and refers to Greeks as Grecians and East Timorese as East Timorians. Bill Clinton has ordered the bombing of an aspirin factory in Sudan but at least he got the country right. With George you never know. But if Bush is briefed properly and finds out about Canada, he's bound to love us.

Bush refers to himself as a "compassionate conservative". No American, including George himself knows what that means, but we Canadians do. We have them. Paul Martin is a compassionate conservative. He's a conservative when he lowers income tax by $100 and compassionate when he raises payroll taxes $200 at the same time to fund breakfast programs for stray cats or some other equally important social program.

During a state visit President Dubya could come to the Province of Toronto and meet with Premier Lastman. Okay so Toronto won't be a province but Mel wants it to be and George won't know the difference. Lastman could take Bush on a tour of the greatest city (oops, I meant province) in the world. Mel could show him the CN tower and tell him it is an advanced nuclear weapon. That will deter any U.S. bombing if the prez. confuses To-ron-to with Ko-so-vo; after all they do sound alike. After that the preem could take him up to the Danforth for lunch in Grecian Town. Maybe George will pay in American dollars and think they are the same as Canadian dollars.

That will inject more money into the economy.

And if Bush overstays his welcome we can always send him off to Saskachewanakia where he can meet his boyhood hero, Premier Roy Rogers.

Canada would have nothing to fear from Dubya. President Bush Light would love us 'Canadorians'.