Guest Accomodations sadly lacking

(Copy of a letter sent by a commercial farmer to the local Member in Charge of Inyati Police Station after he and 14 others spent a few days in a cell 4mx4m for ignoring the deadline to stop farming. The conditions described in this letter are common to almost all police cells used for this purpose.

In one instance the farmers renovated the cells before they were arrested!)

I am writting on behalf of my fellow convicts, oops, I mean guests who had the pleasure of a free sojourn in your cells which we warmly began to refer to as Chalet 5. However, I have several observations which I feel that you'd need to correct were you to use these premises on any future commercial basis; Since chalet 5 is badly ventilated, I found that the toilet had a dreadful odour. Perhaps this is due to the fact that the simply built toilet could only be flushed from outside which was done by your kind wardens, sorry, hotel staff only once per day. I understand water wastage is a great conceren but this will not attract the guests from the farming community that you so desire to fill your chalets.

The views around Inyati are very special however you chose to have one very small window, which let in a tiny amount of sunlight. If your guests wish to read the small print on the fine newspaper flooring, it would be difficult and thus could put strain on their eyes. That I have bruises on my ribs, ankles, and back could be proof that your bedding is inadequet. Perhaps you could supply a hammer and chissel so that each intern would be able to carve grooves into the cold, damp, flea infested floor to relieve the pressure points which the concrete creates.

Chalet size - I believe your aim is that the more bums in beds you can manage (especially if they are farmers bums) the happier you are. However, it is my feeling that you could expand a little - Zimbabwe is fairly large and space is not a problem now that you have aquired so much more utilised land from the whites. We were hosted by yourself on "detain a farmer" weekend which was obviously a busy time - 14 pax in chalet 5 which was only 4 metres squared was pushing it a little. I couldn't help being reminded of a childhood game of 14 in a bed and the little one said................

Having said that, I found my bed fellows very warm and comforting during the freezing nights. To this end, more than one blanket between 14 of us would have been very much appreciated.

Hygiene - Whether it was boredom or my mind playing silly games with me, there were a couple of times where I found several undesireables crawling in my hair and creeping around my genitals!!!!! A good dousing of Jays Fluid would easily sort this out.

For myself, I used a solution, which my family vet offered me. It burnt like crazy but did kill the little critters.

Cuisine - Given that Zimbabwe is expriencing famine and drought, the meal portions were small, non-existant to be more specific. So we opted for outside caterers to care for our culinary requirements. Our apologies if this made you feel inadequate, but our palates are quite used to a variety of deliciously flavoured, fresh foods daily. Oh and another word on this topic, your bar service…very sad. A cold, crisp Chardonnay, may I recomend a Backsburg from the Cape or a few of our own Zimbabwe Export Larger, would have been very fitting to end the long evenings before we retired to our sacks. Just a suggestion!!

Snoring - I can say however, the acoustics of chalet 5 are fantastic, how did you manage this? The snoring from (both orifices) of my fellow dwellers, created such a racket that at times I had trouble falling into a deep sleep. This must have been the only reason for not catching much shut-eye. At one stage the din reached a creshendo, which made the cold, slimey walls reverberate; in contrast, it would have made the Robbie Williams live concert at the Albert Hall look quite ammeture-ish.

In conclusion - If ever you wish to offer me (against my wishes) another few nights at Chalet 5, please ensure that I have the same farmers come along with me as I got quite used to their gentle, reasuring cuddles in the deep of the night. Lying like spoons, with other men is not a habit I do, and even though I mangaged it with these guys, I'd prefer not to go through the whole experience of "getting comfortable" with someone new again.

Inspector Dube, I too am in the accommodation business and know how difficult it is to keep everybody happy! Once again, thank you for a most delightful stay.

I look forward to hearing your reply.

Yours in cells and hotels

Cedric

Stillnotguilty Farm, Inyat

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