February 24, 2003
George W. Bush orders warships off B.C. coast
Bill Graham leaves voicemails for Kofi Annan and Hans Blix
OTTAWA • CSIS has confirmed that Canada has been invaded by numerous Iraqi agents. A CSIS spokesman revealed that up to 100 Iraqis have entered Canada in the last several weeks at border crossings in Quebec, Ontario and B.C. About 20 Iraqis entered the country with passports and visas, claiming that they were members of a professional hockey team, the Baghdad Bullies who were coming to Canada to play exhibition games to raise monies for the Ottawa Senators. The remaining Iraqis had false documents and all made refugee claims. They were allowed to enter Canada on condition they report to immigration officials the next day. None have reported.
It is believed that after collecting their first welfare cheques, the various groups all headed for Alberta. CSIS has learned from unidentified foreign intelligence agencies that the Iraqis intend to destroy Canada by opening up for-profit health care centres across the country, starting in the west. A source close to Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has said that Iraq will destroy Canada by shutting down our medicare system. "We will not kill them quickly", the Iraqi dictator was overheard saying. "They can all die slow natural deaths, but they will be paying as they die. I know how to destroy the fabric of Canadian life."
When asked whether or not he intends to address the nation on the disaster, Prime Minister Jean Chrétien said: " well, ya, know, I only talk about dese tings when I’m in the United States and for some reason, I not been invited lately." When asked what he intended to do about the Iraqi plot to destroy the country’s health system, Chrétien replied: "well, if dey going to destroy da health system, dat’s got nutting to do wit me. Ya know da health care is a provincial responsibility. Dats what all de premiers keep telling me. I only give dem de money. And did you see how much money I give dem in da budget? Wasn’t it a great budget? Billions and billions for da health care. De provinces have so much money now, dey can take care of de problem. Good ting for dem I give dem so much money in da budget. Wasn’t dat a great budget?"
Defense Minister John McCallum expressed concern that troops would have the proper uniforms to engage in combat. After being told that the Iraqis are in Alberta, the same place that the Princess Pats are stationed, the Minister of Defense said: "Oh!" McCallum also said that with the new influx of money for defense in the budget, the troops can afford bus tickets to engage the Iraqis. "Wasn’t that a great budget?", the minister added.
Information has also been received that the Iraqis, when opening up health care facilities, are putting in fraudulent claims for GST rebates. When reached for a comment, Revenue Minister Elinor Caplan was quoted as saying: " This government treats these matters very seriously. But we cannot determine if a transaction is fraudulent until the recipient gets the money, spends it, is charged with an offence and the court determines that its fraudulent".
When asked what his assessment of the invasion was, Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham said that he has not yet received any return phone calls from the U.N. "Canada has done its part--I’ve left several voice messages. Perhaps the U.N. is closed today--I think it’s a pagan holiday." When Graham was asked what he expects the U.N. to do, he indicated that they will probably ask the Iraqis to leave Canada within 30 to 60 days. If they don’t do that, Graham added: "well, we’ll just give them another 30 days or so to leave. Just because our country has been invaded, is no reason to go to war. We have to explore other options.
Alberta premier Ralph Klein was busy reading letters from Stephane Dion and unavailable for comment.