Stoos Views' Exclusive Interview With Chris "The Grinch" Gregoire
Governor of Washington State Bans All Religious Expression—Everyone to Work Christmas Day
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In a bow to political correctness, the Governor of Washington State has banned Christmas and all other forms of religious expression, according to Stoos Views’ man on the scene—Hugh Betcha. Hugh, Chief of the Religious Affairs Bureau of the Stoos Views media empire, was summoned by Governor Christine “The Grinch” Gregoire so she could explain her recent ban on religion in the State of Washington.
“Political Correctness” is where it’s at nowadays,” the Governor began as she showed Hugh to his seat. “No more of this Jesus and God stuff,” she said sternly, as she pointed to the crucifix in her wastebasket. “As Governor of this state, I must defer to the Founding Persons, who said that there must be a separation of Church and State, and that government may not tolerate religion,” she continued.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” the reporter interrupted, “but I did not see anywhere in the Constitution that the Founders intended to ban religion per se.”
”Well, that may be,” the Governor continued, “but, as Governor, I cannot risk the prospect that the one thousandth of one percent of the people of this great state who either do not believe in a Supreme Being, or worship Satan, or paint themselves blue and dance naked around evergreen trees, might in theory be offended if someone displays any religious symbol anywhere in the State, so I have decided to ban all religious expression in my state.”
“Isn’t that a little extreme?” Hugh asked.
“Some might say so, but, to paraphrase Barry Goldwater, ‘extremism in the persecution of religion is no vice, and toleration of religious belief by government is no virtue…’”
“Well, he actually did not say…”
“...something like that anyway. But the point is, in this age of pluralism, multiculturalism, and political correctness, I simply cannot afford to offend anyone—especially being a Democrat in a liberal state, so I have decided to take the initiative and ban all expressions of faith. If the President can order the covering of religious symbols when he speaks in a church, then I surely can order the elimination of all forms of religious expression in my state.”
“How far do you intend to go with this?”
“Well, for one thing, all state employees are henceforth prohibited from using the “C” word while on duty.”
“The “C” word?”
“J, M, and J.”
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Someone might be offended by this.”
“Definitely out! If they must greet each other during this season (which we discourage), all citizens of this state are to henceforth use the greeting prescribed by state law.”
“Happy Hanukwanzamuharramasolstice! If you must use a seasonal greeting, then at least you must acknowledge Jews, Africans, Muslims, C-People and Druids equally.”
“C-people, you know. The ones who believe in J.”
“How about the upcoming Christmas Holiday?”
“Well, for one, please don’t use the term ‘Holiday.’ I banned that last week.”
“Too much like Holy day.”
“I see. How about Easter?”
“Thanking G? No way.”
“And what will you do December 25th?”
“Why, work of course. Like all employees of the state. By executive order, all state employees will work that day. Gotta start sometime. How can we ban religion in this state and yet take December 25th off? In order to be consistent, we must work on that day like any other.”
“What’s that?” High inquired—pointing to a six foot two by four sitting in a pot full of sand, decorated with a red ribbon.
“It’s a Seasonal Tree,” the Governor replied.
“It’s a two by four.”
“It’s a Seasonal Tree—I am setting an example for the citizens of this state.”
“It’s a freakin’ two by four in a pot of sand,” Hugh insisted.
“You see a two by four, I see a Seasonal Tree,” the Governor replied, indignantly. “The people of Washington State are encouraged to erect one during the month of December, in place of the C-Mas Tree. I plan to erect a 20 foot high Seasonal Tree in front of the capitol building, where the manger scene used to be.”
“Okay,” Hugh said as he pulled a one-dollar bill out of his pocket and flashed it in front of the Governor, “how far do you intend to go with this War on Religion? In God We Trust.”
“Yeah, we are working on that one,” she said as she shook her head in disapproval. “I have already contacted the President about this. The reference to “G” is unfortunate. The thought that some atheist or devil worshipper must carry around currency glorifying a supreme being just galls me.”
“Easy. Just change one word on the bill.”
“In Government We Trust?”
“Christine...” Hugh said, as he got up to leave.
“No, I meant your name. Christine. Ironic isn’t it?”
“Derived from Latin. Means ‘Follower of Christ’.”
With that, Hugh bid the Governor a “Happy H-Day” and “G-Bless you,” and excused himself.