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Making and Keeping Resolutions

2014 Resolutions



I woke at noon on New Year's Day, disgusted at the sight of my clothes strewn from the living room to the bedroom. That was the good news. The bad news was an eye-watering odor filled the house, and my right ear throbbed with each beat of my heart.
The unsightly mess, the odor, and the pain were not new, but I was lethargic after a night of fun with a houseful of friends. Despite the squalor, my body screamed for sleep. I closed my eyes. Bad move. The pain in my ear soared, as Rocket, my seven-year-old Calico, delivered another sharp-clawed reminder that his breakfast was now six hours overdue. I'd been down this road before. Some changes were in order. I crawled from bed, struggled into my cleanest dirty clothes, and quelled Rocket's hunger with a can of tuna. A liberal application of Nik Aid stemmed the bleeding from my ear. "Okay," I muttered, "good start." Even so, as I ambled to my computer, intent on lining out my New Year's resolutions, an inner voice whispered, "Pssst. What's the rush? You have all year." Convince a pit bull to relinquish a pork chop? Maybe. Dissuade me from a goal? Never. All I had to do was make my list and it was as good as done. I fired up the computer, opened a new document, and stared at the screen. Okay. I needed a title. What else? "2014 Resolutions." Yeah, but where to start? How about the obvious?

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Item 1. Take better care of my body by eating responsibly and exercising regularly. I loved the sound of that. With a good training program, my athletic figure would return in a matter of days. Stephanie would be sorry she had dumped me for Hank. Okay, what next? As I looked around my cluttered dwelling the answer was clear. Item 2. Never put off until tomorrow that which you can do today. This made perfect sense, but it would be a waste of time until after I'd had the gang over for my Super Bowl party. Item 3. Spend more time with family. Hmm. Many in my clan were societal outcasts, misfits, or were simply a drag. But, well, it was the right thing to do. Item 4. Be quick to praise and slow to anger. This one required a footnote: (a) Everyone but Stephanie and Hank. Yeah! I can do this stuff. When I reached Item 10, however, I saw intimidation greater than having to kiss my ex mother-in-law. "Better stop here," my inner voice whispered. This time I listened. A keystroke, a hum, and the printer spit out my sacred document. Where to put it? Had to be a place I'd notice everyday. Item 1 suggested the refrigerator was the best choice. And once the list was fastened in place at eye level with one of my NASCAR magnets I'd be reminded of moderation each time I reached for a snack. Trouble was, the refrigerator was already covered with notes, photos, and newspaper clippings. In thinking of Item 2 on my list, the thing to do was clean off the old stuff before adding something new. The Dial-a-nurse card had to stay until Rocket reached the heavenly sandbox. And I couldn't toss the '87 NAPA calendar with the phone number for Poppa Joe's Pizza. How about the photo of Stephanie holding her first-place ribbon in Bad Bubba's Annual Mud-Wrestlin' Contest? Nah, I could toss it later. Hmmm. "Ravens feast on 49ers in Super Bowl XLVII." Yep, that year-old piece of history could go. When I removed the magnet, however, another item spiraled to the floor. I scooped it up before Rocket could shred it. "2013 Resolutions" Item 1. Take better care of my body by eating responsibly and---


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Bob Burdick -- Bio and Archives

Bob Burdick is the author of The Margaret Ellen, Tread Not on Me, and Stories Along The Way, a short-story collection that won the Royal Palm Book Award.


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