“I Will Not Protect Our Borders And Neither Should You!”

- Satire- In an effort to explain his refusal to protect the southern border of the United States from the torrent of illegal immigrants, drugs, and the spread of violence that has cost the lives of United States citizens, President Obama summoned “The Most Trusted Name in the News 2010,” Stoos Views’ own Hugh Betcha, for an exclusive interview in the Oval Office. Hugh, Chief of the International Desk of the Stoos Views worldwide media conglomerate, a man who walks with kings and princes (but unlike the President, bowing to none), caught a quick flight from Wynstone, South Dakota--where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds--and flew into Foggy Bottom. Ushered into the President’s office after a short ride in the Presidential limousine, Hugh settled down for a frank discussion with the President on the troublesome issue of illegal immigration and Arizona’s attempt to staunch the flow of illegals, drugs and violence that has plagued the state.

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The President seemed to be a bit tense and out of sorts during the interview--which was atypical. Normally at ease with his drinking buddy and the winner of MSNBC’s Most Trusted Name in the News Award, 2010--Hugh Betcha--the President was uncharacteristically defensive. “I told that Governor that I would not protect the borders and neither should she,” Obama said, sternly. “I do not want the world to think we are inhospitable racists. I want the world to like us. It is more important to be liked than respected, after all.” “But aren’t the illegals causing a tremendous drain on the economy, medical resources and law enforcement down there?” Hugh asked. “Please do not use that word,” the President replied curtly. “What word?” “Illegal. It is mean spirited.” “What then?” “I prefer undocumented,” the President said. “But these undocumented aliens are wreaking havoc on the state and you have done nothing to protect it.” “Please do not use such language in here.” “What?” Hugh asked. “Aliens. That sounds so harsh. We do not use such language here. They are persons from places other than the United States. Again, I have instructed all federal employees and appointees never to use such language. It may well offend someone.” “Well the point being Mr. President, that if you do nothing to protect the borders, then we face a serious threat not only from the undocumented persons from places other than the United States but also Muslin terrorists. They can easily sneak across our southern border now.” “Once again, please do not use such language.” “You mean…” “Yes, Muslim terrorists.” “But, weren’t the guys who bombed New York Muslim terr---“ “--No, they are disagreeable people of another faith who want to hurt us. I have issued an Executive Order to this effect effective immediately.” “Okay Mr. President, but the original point here is this: you do not want the Governor of Arizona to protect her state from the flood of undocumented persons from places other than the United States and disagreeable people of another faith who want to hurt us, right?” “Correct. Such action is preempted by federal law. The protection of the southern border is the exclusive province of the federal government.” “But if you do not act--“ “We might, and we have the right to--not the state.” “But what if you don’t act?” “Well, we might some day.” “In the meantime, people on our side are getting murdered, drugs are streaming into the country, and people like that nice rancher are gunned down by undocumented persons from places other than the United States, and the resources of the state are being drained.” “Collateral damage.” “What?” “Collateral damage--we must break some eggs in order to make an omelet. Immigration is what makes this country great. I am loathe to stop it.” “Why?” “You see these folks streaming across the borders illegally as a threat to the country. I see those folks differently.” “How do you see them?” “Future Democratic voters.”