Another Exclusive by Hugh Betcha—Ace Reporter, Stoos Views Media Conglomerate
Inanimate Objects Killing Spree Shocks Nation—Maybe Costas Was Right
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Recently a rash of humanless killings by inanimate objects has shocked the nation, causing Americans to wonder whether Bob Costas—a liberal national sportscaster—was right when he suggested that guns are the source of the problem when it comes to tragedies such as the murder-suicide involving Jovan Belcher earlier this week.
Costas, spokesman for the N.F.L. (Not Fully Loaded)—an association of mentally challenged sportscasters—recently made big headlines as he pronounced in essence that “people do not kill people, inanimate objects do.”
Tragically, recent events across America seem to have proved him right. And Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate and winner of the MSNBC award for “The Most Trusted Journalist in America, 2012” followed the story. Researching the crime pages across America, Hugh discovered the following:
Dateline Chicago: On November 30, 2012, an AR-15 walked into the First National Bank of Chicago, holding a teller hostage then made off with $10,000 in cash, mixing in with a busy crowd on the street and escaping with the loot.
UPI reported on December 1, 2012 that in San Francisco a nickel plated .38 Special robbed a McDonald’s restaurant of $15.00 then shot up the restaurant while screaming patrons ducked under cover. Escaping into the night, the pistol eluded a police chase and made off with the loot. Police have posted an all points bulletin and have sought the public’s input in an effort to capture the gun but, as one police spokesman stated: “We posted a picture of a .38 pistol on local TV but since they all look alike, we have had little success locating the suspect weapon. “
In a tragic case in Texas on the evening of December 2, 2012, the small town of East Overshoe, Texas was shaken in a series of senseless murders when Irving Senseless and his wife and kids were murdered in their home by a butcher knife. Police had no explanation for the killings but suspect that this was the same knife that is responsible for multiple murders across Texas during the past two weeks. “This is one bad knife,” stated Buck Wheet, spokesperson for the Texas Rangers, who indicated that a state wide dragnet has been cast for the murderous implement.
In another incident in Camden, New Jersey, a distraught pair of scissors stabbed a total stranger in front of a restaurant on December 3, 2012 for no apparent reason. Police said that the scissors stabbed the stranger repeatedly in the throat, leaving him to die in a pool of blood, before running off into the night.
In a recent interview with Costas, Hugh asked Costas if he felt he has been treated unfairly in the media since his statement on a nationally televised sports show to the effect that the Belcher suicide-murder was caused by the gun which killed Belcher and his girlfriend.
“Well, I do feel justified in my comments and—although these recent attacks by murderous implements are tragic—it is clear that what I said is true: People do not kill people, random inanimate objects kill people. No, I cannot explain how these attacks occur, but it is clear they do. Without these horrible implements of death and destruction—knives, guns, scissors—there would be no violence and no killings. Humans do not kill people, that is clear.”
With that, Hugh excused himself and filed this report.
Next week: Too Dangerous? The Case for Banning Sharp Pencils…An Interview with Bob Costas, December 11, 2012 9:30 p.m. E.T. National Public Radio
Copyright © 2012 William Kevin Stoos