The Lord’s Long Johns
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Jones, Smith, Brown, Green, and Reed were tillers of the soil. They died about the same time and appeared at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter told them to be seated and that the Lord would call them one at a time to review their earthly accounts. Soon, a mighty voice thundered, “Pete, bring in Jones.”
Squaring his shoulders, standing straight and tall, Jones stepped before his Maker. The Lord asked His Certified Sin Accountant to review Jones’ worldly affairs.
“Jones was an excellent soybean farmer,” said the CSA. “My records show that he cared for his family, attended church, never drank, and worked hard all his days.”
Granting Jones his eternal reward, the Lord called for Smith. The old farmer waited humbly while the CSA thumbed through his ledger.
“Master, Smith’s rice fed hungry folks all over the world. He was charitable to others, was a pillar of the community, and he always put his family first.”
A mighty thumb motioned Smith to the halo-fitting department. Brown was next.
“No problem with this man, Lord,” the CSA said. “He was an outstanding wheat farmer, provided well for his family, taught Sunday school, and was a deacon in the church.”
A nod of his Creator’s head and Brown flapped off to eternal bliss.
“All right, bring in Green,” the Lord ordered.
“Green was a devoted steward of the land, Master,” said the CSA. “His corn crops kept the silos full, he tithed without fail, rarely drank, and raised his children right.”
Green joined his fellow grain farmers. Now it was Reed’s turn.
Dressed in his favorite suit, Stetson hat, boots, buckle and bolo tie, the old cotton farmer stepped confidently before his Heavenly Father. Looking Reed up and down suspiciously, the Lord turned to his accountant, whose brow was wrinkled in deep concentration.
“Come on, Pete,” God said. “Surely you can find something good to recommend this man for Paradise.”
“W-e-l-l-l,” said the numbers man, “he was a highly respected cotton producer, and while the books show he worked hard and struggled to care for his family through some awfully lean years, he was also known to put a good bit of energy into having fun. On quite a few Sundays, he opted to fish instead of attending church. He gambled a bit, partook of strong drink, and in his younger days, he had a roving eye. But there is one item on the plus side I should mention, Sir.”
“And what would that be?” God asked, strumming his fingers impatiently.
“Lord, You know those long johns you love to sleep in so much?”
“Why, yes, I wouldn’t go to bed not wearing them.”
“Well, Your Holiness, they were made from Reed’s cotton.”
Without even so much as a blink of his omniscient eyes, the Lord commanded, “Step in.”
For Reed, cotton was a most rewarding crop, especially since it was used to make the Lord’s long johns.