The Feinstein Sharp Objects Act of 2013 and The Feinstein Clubs, Bats and Heavy Objects Act of 2013
Senator Feinstein’s Bizzare New Weapons Legislation
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—An Exclusive Report by Stoos Views Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha (Satire)
Shortly after announcing her list of over 150 weapons that Diane “Pistol Packin’” Feinstein proposes to ban in the United States, she called her longtime friend and confidante Hugh Betcha for an exclusive interview. Hugh, winner of the 2013 Most Trusted Reporter in America Award by MSNBC—a man who walks with kings and princes and has equal access to all branches of government—hopped in the Stoos Views corporate jet and arrived in California where he met with the Senator in her office.
As she finished cleaning her MAC 10 machine pistol, Feinstein, clad in desert BDUs, turned to greet her guest.
“I suppose you heard about the proposed legislation,” she said to her friend, wasting no time getting to the point.
“Yeah, seems a little extreme to me,” said Hugh, “’specially since you’ve been packin’ for awhile yourself.”
“Well, I might be accused of being a far left gun control hypocritical whacko—which I am,” she admitted, “but something has to be done.”
“Yes but banning every type of rifle and pistol known to man seems overkill to me,” Hugh suggested. “What about the Second Amendment?”
“Well, like everything else, freedom has its limits,” she replied, “but it is not true to say we are preventing everyone from having firearms. There are exceptions.”
“Guess I did not read the fine print on your proposed bill,” Hugh replied.
“Well the footnote is important. We are proposing to ban the 150 weapons on my list—sent forth in the proposed bill—but not for everyone.”
“Well there are exceptions,” the Senator replied.
“Well, the proposed act provides for certain important exceptions for folks in critical categories to wit: Mayor Bloomberg’s bodyguards, Bob Costas’ NBC body guards, any bodyguards while protecting newspapers who “out” all law abiding citizens who possess guns in their private homes, all guards who protect President Obama’s children at school, and liberal Senators.”
“That sounds unfair…”
“Well, we are not opposed to gun ownership per se; rather we are just concerned about those right wing NRA types, Tea Partyers, Bitter Clingers and deer hunters who need more than two shots to kill a deer—all of whom might someday use one of these banned weapons to commit a crime. You can never tell.”
“Where does it all end? Aren’t you headed down a slippery slope here when you start to ban anything that might conceivably be used to injure or maim?”
“Well, funny you should mention this. That is already in the works.”
“Don’t tell me….”
“Yes, Senate File 673: A Bill to Ban Certain Dangerous Weapons…(Hereinafter: The Feinstein Sharp Objects Act of 2013).”
“Henceforth, the Senate and Obama the Secular, having declared that the public policy of the United States is to ban anything that might conceivably do harm to the person or property of another, it shall be illegal to manufacture, sell, use or possess the following items without a permit issued by the Department of Homeland Security to wit: sharp knives, forks, axes, sharpened Number 2 lead pencils, pitchforks, spears or other such instruments. Violation of this provision shall subject the violator to a fine of not less than $10,000 and a prison term of not less than six months.”
“You have to be kidding. Where does it end?”
“Only when anything which might, in the hands of the wrong person, conceivably injure someone else is regulated. We, the Government, have the obligation and the right to ensure the public safety. And we know what’s best for the citizens of the country.”
“My staff is working on one more piece of legislation…”
“Yeah, Senate File 674: The Feinstein Clubs, Bats and Heavy Objects Act of 2013.”
Copyright © 2013 William Kevin Stoos