Eric Holder Investigates Excrementous Crimes Against the Monarch
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Just when you thought it was safe to tow an outhouse float in a small town Nebraska parade which poked fun of President Obama by labeling it the PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY [sic] you find yourself the object of a federal investigation by Attorney General Eric Holder who, like his boss, has no apparent sense of humor.
In fact, Ace Reporter Hugh Betcha, back from his own investigation, has discovered something far more shocking: Holder and the President are preparing an Ex Post Facto law which bans any disrespectful or excrementous comment about the President, and subjects the guilty party to fines and jail time. Freedom of speech, it seems, is being flushed down the toilet by Holder.
Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for Canada Free Press and Head of the New Bureau of the Stoos Media Conglomerate, winner of MSNBC’s “Most Respected News Reporter, 2014,” a man with unlimited access to both sides of the aisle and a former drinking buddy with Holder, filed this exclusive report after being granted a candid interview with his pal, the United States Attorney General.
Settling into a comfortable overstuffed chair in the Attorney General’s Office, Hugh inquired as to the genesis of the Outhouse Crisis.
“So why are you investigating this Nebraska citizen who pulled the outhouse float in the parade?”
“It was in poor taste,” Holder remarked. “It was offensive to the President and racist. And there was a Democrat in the audience who was slightly offended by the float and called our office to report the crime.”
“But it’s not a crime to tow an outhouse with “Obama’s Presidential Library” on the side…”
“It is now,” Holder replied sternly.
“But the dummy in the overalls standing on the float was obviously a farmer and did not look much like Obama,” replied Hugh aghast.
“Yeah, but to label the outhouse the “Presidential Library” was disrespectful and obviously racist because all white Presidents have real libraries and none of them have an outhouse for a library. Therefore, quite simply, it was racist.”
Not following the logic, Hugh took another tack.
“What is so offensive about the float exactly—other than the alleged racism?”
“It was disrespectful to the President to associate him with any gross bodily function such as those conducted in an outhouse. It is offensive and tends to tarnish the President’s good name.”
“But we have freedom of speech…”
“...Not when it comes to making fun of the President, Holder interrupted. “That is where free speech ends.”
“Who determines what is offensive and seditious then?”
“The President and I of course,” replied Holder firmly.
“Are there no other more important problems on which to focus the resources of the federal government—such as Benghazi, or the IRS scandal, NSA snooping, the VA scandal, the thousands of illegals coming across the border, election fraud, or others?”
“I determine what is important and what is not—it is called prosecutorial discretion. This is the most imminent threat to country of all and I am prepared to take a stand against it.”
“So tell me the limits of free speech when it comes to criticism of the President.”
“We are banning all potentially derogatory words or phrases that may be interpreted (by us) as disrespectful or demeaning or encouraging hostility toward the President and his policies—especially where, as here, there is a reference to gross bodily functions.”
“You mean like ‘the President’s policies stink?’” Hugh chuckled.
“Watch it!” Holder cautioned.
“Or, the President ‘cannot find his a** with both hands?’ ” Hugh chided.
“I am warning you....” Holder groused.
“Or, the President ‘does not know sh**’ about foreign policy?’”
“You are getting perilously close to the line here....” warned Holder sternly.
“Or, the President is a ‘nincompoop?’ Hugh pressed.
“I think it’s time for you to leave before I have you arrested,” the Attorney General said, becoming visibly angrier.
“Or he is a ‘pi** poor president?’” Hugh asked once more as he was ushered out the door unceremoniously by the Attorney General, thus concluding the interview.
Next time: “Iowa Farmer Arrested for Naming Donkey “Barack”
Copyright © 2014 William Kevin Stoos