By Wes Porter ——Bio and Archives--November 22, 2016
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An experienced gardener named Porter In his garden passed some water "It will fertilize," he sad "The vegetable beds," But we don't think he had oughtaA limerick then can certainly be risqué but, despite Gershon Legman's belief, does not have to be downright dirty although that American genuine eccentric did everything to prove otherwise. In fact, fifteen of the finest on gardens and gardening that follow could be repeated in any church or synagogue gathering. Come to think of it, some concern such . . . It's been said that the trouble in the Garden of Eden wasn't caused by an apple but by a green pair, which seems a good way to commence our visit:
Said Eve as she reached for the apple, And prepared that primordial grapple: "With the proper sales talk Adam surely won't balk, For if anyone falls, why, that sap'll."Since that time women have never looked back . . . or needed to, as observed Thomas Bailey Aldrich (1836-1907):
There was a young woman of Aenos Who came to our party as Venus. We told her how rude 'Twas to come there quite nude, And we brought her a leaf from the greenh'us.There have been other cover-ups . . .
I once knew a gardener whose aunt Sat down on his favourite plant. He said, "Would you tell 'er My feelings, old feller? I've a wife and six kids, and I can't."Nor have masculine attempts at horticulture been successful:
There was a young man from Australia Who painted himself like a dahlia. The colors were bright, And the size was just right But the smell was a definite fahlia.And even the most basic propagation chores can confuse:
A doughty old person of Leeds Rashly swallowed a package of seeds In a month his poor # Was all covered with grass And he couldn't sit down for the weedsIn fact, frequently it has taken two to garden:
An indolent vicar of Bray His roses allowed to decay. His wife more alert, Bought a powerful squirt And said to her spouse, "Let us spray."Unfortunately, with the best of care, disaster can strike at any time:
There was an old person in Quorn Who was sorry he'd ever been born. For some damnable hounds Chased a fox through his grounds And entirely ruined his lawn.Or taking care when around vengeful vegetation:
There was a young lady in Natchez Who fell in some nettle-wood patches. She sits in her room With her bare little moon, And scratches, and scratches, and scratches.
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There was a young man from Bengal Who went to a masquerade ball Arrayed like a tree, But he failed to foresee His abuse by the dogs in the hall.Some, however, believe in being prepared:
There was an old spinster named Gretel Who wore underclothes made of metal. When they said, "Does it hurt?" She said, "It keeps dirt From stamen and pistil and petal."Others turn tail at the merest hint:
There was a lady named Muir Whose mind was so frightfully pure That she fainted away At a friend's house one day When she saw some canary manure.Then again, not all have been so inhibited . . .
A prissy old maid named Miss Hannah Wrote Burbank a note in this manner: "Could you spare a few hours From your shrubs and your flowers To perfect a pulsating banana?"Some have been downright strange:
A morbid young lady named Jean Was known as the # Queen. She used thistles and cacti In pursuit of her practi, In a manner both odd and obscene.Or he who laid claim to be the 'Wickedest Man in the World'
My name is Aleister Crowley, I'm a master of Magick unholy, Of philtres and pentacles, Coven, conventicles; Of basil, nepenthe, and moly.In the end though, as every observant gardener discovers:
Concerning the bees and the flowers In the fields and the gardens and the bowers, You will note at a glance That their ways of romance Haven't any resemblance to ours.
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Wes Porter is a horticultural consultant and writer based in Toronto. Wes has over 40 years of experience in both temperate and tropical horticulture from three continents.