Roland Burris, Senator-Designate from the State of Illinois, has been denied a seat in the United States Senate for now. The newly-appointed successor to Barack Obama reluctantly accepted the appointment by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, after expressing his total disgust at the “appalling behavior” [sic] of the Governor--who is accused of trying to sell Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. His disgust at the behavior of Rod “Big Bucks” Blagojevich was apparently trumped by the fact that he, Burris, is the smartest, most experienced, most qualified person in the entire State of Illinois and there was no person in the entire state who was more qualified to serve in the Senate. Therefore, according to Burris, it was incumbent upon him to hold his nose and accept the appointment as United States Senator, for the good of Illinois, the United States and the world.
In view of his vast experience as Comptroller of the State of Illinois--a critical position in state government and one that allowed him years of experience as a low level , boring bureaucratic functionary--as well as his demonstrated ability to lose elections at every level of government in Illinois, including Mayor of Chicago, the United States Senate, and Governor of Illinois, Burris announced that he is the man for the job: “I am the most qualified person in Illinois, the United States, and possibly on the planet, for the position of United States Senator,” he told a Stoos Views reporter this week. “And, I come highly recommended by the Hon. Rod Blagojevich, Governor of the great State of Illinois who is correct when he says that I am a good and honest man.” He continued: “Although the Governor is soon to be indicted for trying to sell this honorable office which I am uniquely qualified to hold, although no one in the world recognizes this appointment or wants to seat me under this cloud of suspicion; even though it would be better for the Democrats, the country, the United States Senate, and the people of Illinois to have a Senator whose appointment avoids even the appearance of impropriety; and although the Governor is a scoundrel, in this particular matter, he must be trusted. I have asked my self a thousand times who is the best person in the world for this job. A thousand times I have concluded it is I. I am a good and honest, upright and trustworthy man, and the Governor was right to praise me. Everyone does. Would I name my children Roland and Rolanda after a bad person? No, I named my wonderful children after the most honest, good hearted, and qualified person ever to occupy a Senate seat….me.”
When asked about his lavish mausoleum containing all the accomplishments of his lifetime, “Trail Blazer” Burris gave a clue as to why he chose to accept the appointment: “When I built this beautiful mausoleum so generations to come could visit it and view the marvelous works I have performed during this lifetime, I thought it was important that posterity know just what a great person I am. I knew that some day--being the wonderful person that I am--it was inevitable that I would be a Senator…or perhaps even President. God knows how far my talent will take me. So, I planned ahead and left an extra four inches on the wall of the mausoleum for the words ‘UNITED STATES SENATOR.’ Now, it has come to pass and I can fill in the blank. It is important not only for me, but for the sake of the kids who were named after me, the State of Illinois, the United States, and the world. Two hundred years from now, people will look at this and say--‘there lies a good and honest man, the most qualified person ever to serve in the Senate.’ That is my wish for the country, and you have seen it in your lifetime.”
Wiping a tear from his eye, he concluded the interview with Stoos Views and walked off silently. This reporter was moved to tears as well.
When Senator “Dirty Harry” Reid was interviewed about the Burris fiasco, he noted bluntly: “If it were not for the fact that “Big Bucks” Blagojevich appointed Mr. Burris, we might have seated him today; however, the main problem was not how he was appointed. Our main problem was space. We could not find an extra office for his ego.”
-Satire-
“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”
