Fidel Castro Out, Dubya In?

--Satire-- Fidel Castro's relinquishment of power in Cuba may be of far greater significance to America and the world than is immediately obvious to the untrained eye.

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Namely, Castro's departure comes at nearly the same time as that of another English-challenged president, that being President George Bush whose final term will officially end on January 20, 2009. At that happy day when he vacates the White House for the final time, Bush will be just 62 years of age, young enough to take on another major responsibility or two. Given Dubya's obsession with Latinos and Spanish, it seems a safe bet that W will throw his hat in the ring for the Presidency of Cuba. That analysis is supported by Bush's recent statement to the Cuban people concerning their future, sans Fidel Castro. Bush said: "We will support you in your effort to build a transitional government in Cuba committed to democracy, and we will take note of those in the current Cuban regime who obstruct your desire for a free Cuba." To the politically naive, that would seem a fairly innocuous statement of reassurance to a nation of people that has suffered under a Communist dictator for more 40 years. W was simply reminding Cubans that America stands ready to help when Castro finally takes the hint and gets the hell out of office, right? However, to those of us who know better, Dubya was really firing a warning shot at Fidel's radical brother, Raul Castro. In my view, Dubya was speaking in code about Cuba's future and his own political aspirations--inextricably linked, if my political analysis is accurate. In effect, Dubya was saying: "Fidel Castro is an old commie fart who has made life miserable for Cubans for far too long. His brother Raul is even worse! "But fret not, Cuba, because as luck would have it, yours truly will soon be looking for an executive position. I can bring you freedom, democratic rule and trade with the United States." In other words, Dubya was announcing his intention to run for president again--but next time, he will be seeking the top job in Cuba. And why shouldn't he? As indicated, in 2009, Dubya will be just 62 years old--a veritable lad. He takes no prescription medications and appears in excellent physical health. A perfect candidate to lead Cuba out of the dark days of communist despair and into the bright future of Compassionate Conservatism. Besides, running for president of Cuba certainly beats the hell out of alternatives recently offered by Karl Rove from the set of FOX News. Rove suggested that Bush do one of the following: * Declare himself eligible for another term based on the perverted liberal argument that Al Gore actually won the 2000 election, or * Append the 2008 Defense Appropriations bill with a Signing Statement declaring that the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is null and void. Both ideas lack political pizzazz and are unlikely to connect with voters, even with all those bombs, tanks, fighter jets, guns, and Marines at Bush's disposal. Fact is, Dubya has many strengths that might benefit Cuba. A resume of qualifications for G.W. Bush might read as follows: G.W. Bush The Oval Office 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. Career Objective: Executive position with government-backed pension and retirement benefits, plus two months annual vacation. Related Experience: Worked for eight years to bring peace, prosperity, and harmony to America. Would have succeeded were it not for partisan, leftist thugs known in the United States as Democrats. Language Skills: Spanish Mexican Texan--Pidgin English with a drawl Greatest Achievement As President: Breaking Barney from peeing on the Oval Office carpet. Greatest Obstacle As President: Learning the correct pronunciation of ''nuclear,''this is still what they call a work in progress. Favorite Song: Oh, Lord, It's Hard to be Humble! Currently Reading: March Reader's Digest Just Finished Reading: December Reader's Digest* * In Washington most of January--unable to get to Crawford library to check out January and February issues. Fondest Memory As President: Telling John Kerry he had the wrong number when he called to concede the election in 2004. Foreign Leader Most Admired: Yo! Blair Foreign Leader Least Admired: Flat-footed tie between Osama bin Laden and Ted Kennedy Hobbies: Autographing my demolished cycling helmets and selling them to pay for heavily padded knee-and-elbow shock absorbers. Role Model: Cross between Yogi Berra and Ken Lay. Advise for Next U.S. President: Hispanically speaking, never misunderestimate your opponent's strategery. References: See results from 2004 U.S. presidential election. Availability: January 2009 at the latest. Depending on the impeachment mood in Congress, it could be much sooner. And finally, the ''G.W. Bush Vision Statement for All Cubans'': ''Good eyesight is vital to seeing a bright future. I encourage all Cubans to take good care of the eyes God gave you, even if you do not always see eyeball-to-eyeball with him.'' Run, George, run!