Get a load of G.I. Joe, Hollywood version

In a world of too many politically correct inspired revisionists, the lines keep being rewritten. Everything that existed in the past is passe and long held traditions are being tossed into history's dustbin. Cindy Sheehan and the Code Pink gang must be in raptures. G.I. Joe is on his way out in ever-creative Tinseltown. The Botox-dependent Hollywood screen writers are now proposing a new live-action movie based on the G.I. toy line. A few martinis later and he's no longer G.I. Joe. The Hollywood version has taken out membership in an "international force based in Brussels", home of the all-glass and all-neutered European Union.

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"The IGN Entertainment news site reports Paramount is considering replacing our "real American hero" with "Action Man", member of an "international operations team." (Vin Suprynowicz, [url=http://www.ivrj.com]http://www.ivrj.com[/url], Oct. 28, 2007). Wonder if California Governor Arnie Schwarzenegger will dare to unmask "Action Man" as one of his "girly boys". While they work on making G.I. Joe androgynous, Paramount will simply turn Joe's name into an acronym. Poor Joe, androgynous cut it in the long ago days of Greta Garbo, but a soldier's got to look a little, well, mannish. "The show biz newspaper Variety reports: "G.I. Joe is now a Brussels-based outfit that stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, an international co-ed force of operatives who use high-tech equipment to battle Cobra, an evil organization headed by a double-crossing Scottish arms dealer," writes Suprynowicz. A Scottish arms dealer? Does he happen to have twinkling blue eyes, red hair and freckles? "Well, thank goodness the villain--no need to offend anyone by making our villains Arabs, Muslims or foreign dictators of any stripe these days, though apparently Presbyterians who talk like Scottie on "Star Trek" are still OK--is a double-crossing arms dealer. Otherwise one might be tempted to conclude the geniuses at Paramount believe arms dealing itself is evil," Suprynowicz continues. The only arms dealer we know is Adnan Khashoggi, and he's for real. You know, the Saudi billionaire from whom Canadian behind-the-scenes powerhouse and UN poster boy Maurice Strong once acquired 200,000 acres of San Luis Valley in Colorado for his ranch called Baca that just happened to sit on the continent's largest fresh water aquifer? Writes Suprynowicz,"According to reports in Variety and the aforementioned IGN, the producers explain international marketing would simply prove too difficult for a summer 2009 film about a heroic U.S. soldier. Thus, the need to "eliminate Joe's connection to the U.S. military." Why is international marketing too difficult if Director Ronnie Howard is already rushing to present us with The Da Vinci Code II in time for Christmas 2009? "Well, who cares. G.I. Joe is just a toy, right? He was never real. Right? asks a tongue-in-cheek Suprynowicz. In a kind of reality that Hollywood refuses to understand, G.I. Joe was based on World War II combat veteran, real life hero Mitchell Paige. The retired Marine Corps colonel died at age 85 on Nov. 15, 2003. Colonel Paige's only rider in letting G.I. Joe stand in for him was that Joe must always remain a U.S. marine. When Hollywood gets through with Joe, he'll be unrecognizable as anybody's real life hero. Crosss-gendered, Joe will step back onto the world stage in the most antiseptic non-offending way possible. Rather than the raiments of a khaki uniform, his new duds will embody everything to make "Action Man" politically correct. He will, depending on the day, sport a Pashto, and long flowing robes like Osama bin Laden's, only patched up here and there with recognizable Scottish plaids so as his archenemy, the double-crossing Scottish arms dealer won't be able to brand him as a racist. In homage to an unasking aging world population, Action Man will be equipped with a hearing aid, will be wholly vegetarian to appease the likes of Prince Charles of Britain, and will walk with a limp, courtesy of a bum leg--not acquired in a backyard football game with his teenaged sons but from having slipped on the sauce when he was coming up with a new dish in his hospital-clean not kitchen. Will anyone notice at his debut that there is a familial resemblance between G.I. Joe gone Action Man and the rest of personkind? After all, we're all fast becoming the depersonalized drones of the E.U., UN and holier-than-thou, howling Liberals.