WhatFinger


'Special places' being brought online

Hell increasing staff to handle massive influx of female voters damned by Madeline Albright



Ladies, you were warned. Last week, Madeline Albright told you that there was a "special place in hell" for women who don't support Hillary. She did her best to make sure you knew about the horrific spiritual dangers that stem from voting for Bernie Sanders, and we did our best to get the message out. Yet, for whatever reason, you decided to ignore the eternal damnation of your mortal soul. Last night, women chose - in massive numbers - to turn their backs on Hillary Clinton. According to anonymous torment-industry sources Hell is gearing up to receive a massive influx of female Democrat voters. According to one Demon, who asked not to be identified:

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"Look, obviously this a huge get for us, but it comes with some challenges. We expected a lot of women would be headed our way, but According to CNN exit polls, we're getting 53% of the ladies who voted in New Hampshire. That exceeds our best estimates by a little more than 25%! I mean Hillary got crushed! Ms. Albright said there would be 'A special place in hell.' That's 'A.' Singular. You add in Bernie's female caucusers from Iowa, and we're not sure we have a special place this big. You have to remember; this is only one state. If the same trend continues across the remaining 47 primaries... well, you can see the size of the problem we're facing."
Another anonymous hellspawn worries that Hades is simply not prepared to collect souls at this level.
"I just don't think anyone expected that Hillary would fail so badly. If I'm being honest, I think management got caught with their pants down. They're not going to like it, but they're probably gonna have to bend the rules a bit. Maybe build a series of smaller 'special places' to use as temporary processing centers. The only thing saving us at the moment is that they're not going to come all at once. The New York Times says that Hillary only managed to get a measly 16% of voters between the ages of 18 and 29. Young voters breaking for Bernie means we've got some time before the main soul-load hits."
For now, Hell is content to rejigger its staff, hire some new workers, and prep new special places, but what if it's not enough? What if Hillary gets the Democratic nomination, but loses the general in a landslide?
"In that case? ...I don't know. The river Styx used to provide a buffer for us, but these days, who can say? We may have to build a wall to keep them out."


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