As someone who has been a close observer of the Canadian political process for more than twenty years, I can honesty say it’s not a pretty sight.
Yet all that observation has given me a good understanding of what it takes to be a successful politician in this country.
And so, to help future generations of politicians, I have decided to prepare sort of a guide on how to get elected and stay elected.
Here it is:
Make and then Break Promises
Yes I know our society frowns on what some call “lying.” But in politics lying isn’t really lying; it’s more like telling the truth from a different perspective. Besides it’s not as if anybody can sue you or take you to court for breaking solemn election promises. So knock yourself out.
Make “Somebody” Else Pay
Voters will be more likely to support you if you can convince them that “somebody” else will pay for the schemes you are proposing. Ideally that somebody else should be the “wealthy” or better yet, future generations.
Never Innovate
Nothing can kill a political career faster than coming up with an original thought. Just keep warming over the same ideas which have in play since World War II. However, if you must come up with a new idea, first deploy it as a “Trial Balloon”. If people respond negatively, blame the media.
Stay Ambiguous
Avoid letting people know how you really feel about controversial, divisive issues. If approached for an answer just remember the three “Es”: equivocate, evade and elude. Eventually, the questioner will get tired and go away.
Steal
If a political opponent comes up with a great idea, steal it. Maintain it was your idea all along. This will work even if at one time you vehemently opposed the very same idea.
Taking Credit and Blame
If something good happens because of policies your opponents may have implemented, take credit for it. Conversely, if something bad happens because of your policies, blame your opponent’s previous policies.
Making Friends
To successfully win office may require a politician to seek out allies and friends. Don’t be afraid to do this. However, in politics all friendships are temporary; be prepared to dump your most loyal supporter if it means winning a few more votes.
Pork barreling Etiquette
When doling out tax dollars to pay off a useful special interest group or business lobby never ever call it a “subsidy.” Rather refer to such payments as an “investment in the public interest” or as an “entitlement.”
Political Debate
Never employ logical reasoning or intellectual content when trying to win votes. Politics is not a debating society. You don’t get points for sophisticated arguments. The key to success is to manipulate voters with appeals to raw emotions: hate, fear, envy. And if you can’t say anything positive about your platform, concentrate on smearing your opponent.
The Tweedle-dee-Tweedle-dum Syndrome
Always make sure your principles are diluted to the point where they will offend no one and will appeal to the greatest mass of voters possible. This may upset some of your more ideologically-inclined supporters, but they can usually be soothed with vague, rhetorical assurances. You will know you are succeeding if your policies essentially mirror the policies of your opponent.
So that’s it.
Just by following these ten easy principles anybody can be a successful politician.
Of course, successful politicians don’t necessarily bring about successful government or successful policies.
And if that bothers you, well maybe you just don’t have what it takes to be a politician.
