WhatFinger


Evolved Obama and the homosexual agenda

I’m Coming Out of the Closet



I sold my first article to WordPerfect Magazine in 1990, which means that I’ve been a professional writer for 23 years. I write political and humor columns (you’d be amazed at how closely the two match), and I often write about myself.
But during all that time, I’ve kept a terrible secret. This secret has haunted me and caused me no end of stress, worry, and shame. But I feel that the political climate is ripe now for me to come out of the closet and put all of that behind me. So today I’m making an announcement: I am a heterosexual. A straight male. It feels SO good to get that off my chest. I have worried about making this announcement, because it’s not “cool” or “hip” or “in” to be heterosexual these days. I’ve worried a lot about the reaction from the heterophobes who I know will attack me for my sexuality and claim that I live an unnatural and harmful lifestyle, one that brings children into the world to consume and destroy and increase worldwide CO2 levels.

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I know that many, even though they say nothing, will cringe at the notion of heterosexual sex. But I’m willing to take that risk, because I’m just that darn courageous. I can imagine what will come next for me: first, I am expecting a call from Oprah. I’m sure that she’ll want to interview the first 48-year-old, college professor, professional writer, husband, and father of five to openly announce his heterosexuality to the world. Next, I fully expect that the President of the United States, the next time he holds a news conference about some important world event, will take a break from speaking about terrorism or chemical weapons and tell everybody how proud he is of my courage for announcing my sexuality publicly. Heck, it was partly the president who inspired my coming out, when he announced that his position on heterosexuality had “evolved” (oddly, right along with public opinion). I figured, if Barack Obama can accept me as a straight male, anybody can. Before long, I assume that the Washington Post and other similar newspapers will compare me favorably to Jackie Robinson, or maybe Dave Barry, and discuss at length my bravery for imposing my sexual preference on the American public. Soon after, news organizations will be looking for extended family members and ex-girlfriends to interview, allowing them to applaud my bravery. I expect that people far and wide who don’t know me or anything about me except my sexuality will tweet in support of me and tell me how brave I am for telling them what kind of sex I prefer. Of course, I would expect that any who speak unfavorably towards me will be shunned and forced to retract their statements. Any organizations that these mean-spirited people work for will apologize profusely on their employee’s behalf, because heaven forbid anybody openly disagree with my decision to make my sexuality a part of their life. The First Amendment is a wonderful thing, except when it’s used to disagree with my lifestyle. So I’ll sit back now, clothed snugly (and smugly) in my own courageousness, and wait for the applause, the congratulations, the praise and acclimations that will surely come my way. Of course, there is a part of me that worries that all that I expect won’t happen. Maybe Oprah won’t call. Maybe the President won’t mention me during a press conference. Maybe nobody will want to interview my family or tweet about me or compare me to any actual heroes. Because at the end of the day, I guess all I really did was tell you something about me that you had no need to know and was really nobody’s business but mine, huh? Go figure.


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Mike Jensen -- Bio and Archives

Mike Jensen is a freelance writer living in Colorado.  He received his M.A. in Professional Writing from the University of Alaska Fairbanks, where he wrote his first book, Alaska’s Wilderness Highway.  He has since published Skier’s Guide to Utah along with humor, travel, and political articles for various magazines and newspapers.  He is married with five sons, and spends his free time at a remote cabin in the Colorado Rockies.


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