-Satire
The Occupy movement widened significantly today with the formation of "Occupy Busch Stadium," an ad-hoc group dedicated to redistributing the wealth, opportunity and rewards of professional sports.
Exploiting the attention paid to the World Series, the OBS has demanded fairness from Major League Baseball. Highest on their agenda is income redistribution for baseball players everywhere. Statistics show that the top one hundredth of one percent of people who have ever played baseball make 99.98% of the money paid to baseball players. A handful of players who are fortunate enough to make it to the big leagues--such as Alex Rodriguez, Vernon Wells, and CC Sabathia–make multi-million dollar salaries while people who play exactly the same game in back yards and in local sandlots make little or nothing. OBS simply demands fairness–all baseball salaries to be placed in a pool and the funds distributed equally among all baseball players in the nation.
A major cause of income inequity in baseball is the unfair selection process for major league teams. The prejudicial system that requires prospective players to participate in the game for years, constantly training and developing skills, is designed to keep those of limited ability, ambition and dedication out of the majors. OBS has created a new opportunity network that ensures that every person who has an interest in playing baseball for a major league team will get that chance. Of course, the system is expected to be oversubscribed at first, so most people will be limited to a lifetime maximum of one inning, or one stand at the plate, but at least everyone can participate.
Another aspect of major league baseball that smacks of elitism is the inequality of baseball scores, a primary cause of a few top teams getting into the playoffs while the majority are left behind. Working with experts at the United Nations, OBS has developed a home run redistribution system that will ensure that every team, regardless of talent, effort or level of play will get an equal share of the total number of runs scored every season. This system will ensure that every team gets to the playoffs, as well as providing a somewhat extended post-season schedule.
Critics have complained that OBS efforts will result in chaos. But certain restrictions will apply. OBS partners in organized labor have vowed to keep the more important jobs in baseball, such as groundskeeping, maintenance, transportation and sanitation are available only to union members, and permanently closed to freelancers. This will serve to maintain the quality of play.
OBS spokespersons claim the organization is apolitical, but critics question this statement. Since President Obama has been invited to throw out the first ball at the season opener, Democrats have complained. They insist that the requirement to put one over the plate is unfair to a president who was brought up from the minors too fast, leads the league in errors, and is likely to be traded in 2012.
