Sharpton to head new Federal Agency: The Hate Department

-Satire In addition to his clerical duties guiding the moral and religious life of Americans, the Most Reverend Al Sharpton has been elevated to a cabinet level position in a new agency created by his friend Barack Obama, whom the good Reverend has visited over eighty times during Obama's tenure.

And Hugh Betcha, Head of the Religious News Department of Stoos Views Media Conglomerate, recently named "Most Trusted Religious Reporter, 2014" by MSNBC, frequent guest at the White House, and reporter respected by Muslims, Jews, Christians and Druids alike, was there for a private audience with the President when the announcement was made. In a rarely granted private interview with the President and the Most Holy Reverend Sharpton, Hugh was able to ask some incisive questions of the two in the comfort of the Oval Office and filed this report with Canada Free Press. The "Reverend" Al Sharpton, professional race baiter, creator of the infamous "Tawana Brawley scandal" in which he falsely accused several white law enforcement officers and a prosecutor of raping a young black girl; MSNBC "commentator" whose show "Racial Politics Nation" caused him to be named "Reporter Least Likely to String Two Intelligible Sentences End to End" by The Society for the Preservation of English; who famously pronounced "white Hispanic" George Zimmerman guilty of murder before he was even charged; and who fanned the flames of the Ferguson riots, trampled several New Yorkers while running to an open microphone to decry the death of Eric Garner in New York, and called for racial protests around the country at a score of big cities, was appointed as Director of a brand new agency, The United States Department of Hate. Asked why the need for another new agency and why the Most Reverend Al was his pick to head the department, Obama replied: "Who in the country is better at stirring up the fires of discontent, dividing the country across racial lines or beating up white Hispanics or white cops than my dear friend Al?"

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But why the need for a new agency? "Because," the President replied, "there is so much vitriol coming out of my administration against white cops, white Hispanics, and non-blacks, and such a need to keep the pot stirred so past real and imaginary wrongs are rectified by violence and anger, that we thought it best to centralize the hate and the racism coming out of my administration and channel it through a Hate Czar. And who better than my friend Most Reverend Al? He will be in charge of racial protests, discrimination charges, real or imagined, so my staff and I can do other things. If there is a shooting of a black man by a white cop, he will be whisked to the scene to make an accusatory statement before a grand jury or trial jury is assembled; if there is an Hispanic on black crime, he will be choppered in to declare the alleged criminal guilty before charges are filed. If there is any white on black crime he will be there to investigate and accuse. If anyone criticizes Eric Holder or me or any African American in my administration he will be the point man for accusatory statements charging racism. He will be in charge of promoting racial hatred and divisiveness just like he is now--only now he will do so under the auspices of the federal government." Turning to the Most Reverend Al Sharpton for comment, the reporter asked: "Reverend Sharpton, why do you not appear in Chicago and other big cities to call for protests when 8,000 or more blacks are murdered each year, mostly by other blacks? Does this not concern you? If black lives are important--as we all believe--why not those? Where is your outrage when over 70% of the murder victims are younger black males who are killed by other black males 90 percent of the time?" "Well," the Most Reverend began, speaking in Sharptonese--slowly, as if in profound thought, "if a brutha wanna shoot a brutha, that ain't 'xactly news is it? And me, bein' a news man in'ddition to a Man of God, am not interested in no bro on bro shootin' if you catch my meanin. It just ain't newsworthy. When wuz the last time you seen MSNBC cover a brother bein' shot in Chi Town? Ain't worth ma' time. But a white racist cop killin' a black man pointin a gun at him--well that's news, Brother. They's always a microphone there." Turing to the President the incredulous reporter asked: "What are your feelings about hiring such a man for a high cabinet position with such radical views?" "Reverend Al is a man of God. Remember when Jesus said: 'I came into the world not to bring peace but to divide?' Well, he is just doing God's will. And he is really good at dividing..." Shaking his head in disbelief the reporter got up to leave as the President added, smiling, "...and this new position will help him pay off his millions in delinquent back taxes, which we have sort of, well, overlooked for now." © 2015 William Kevin Stoos