Stay with me for a moment and I am certain that, once I explain how it all makes perfect sense, you will appreciate the breathtaking foresight which went into crafting this master plan for jumpstarting the economy, and why it should be extolled as nothing less than genius.
For starters, the stimulus package calls for $600 million for a new fleet of cars for federal employees. That is important you see, because without the means of transportation we would not have any federal employees going to work to make sure the rest of the funds which were allocated for several other crucially important initiatives are distributed accordingly. So we not only need to make sure that these folk get to work on time, we also need to ensure that they travel in comfort, as that will go a long way towards guaranteeing they are in a good mood when they get there. I am sure you and I will agree that is a necessary component for quality performance; and in no way should this be viewed as a perk for government employees; think of it more as an effort to resuscitate the car industry.
Now for the rest of us there is the train, which the government is more than willing to revamp so that it meets the transportation needs of the common workforce. This explains the $1 billion allocated for Amtrak, in spite of the fact that this outfit has not reaped a profit in four decades. One must never underestimate the importance of keeping the trains running on time - an accomplishment for which the illustrious dictator
Benito Mussolini garnered much praise in his day.
There are also, given this unfortunate economic downturn, many people who are presently unemployed. This brings us to the $75 million allocated for programs which will help people quit smoking.
As you and I well know, a lot of these people are heavy smokers. But more so those who fear they may soon have to face the same predicament. There’s no doubt that the current state of the economy has generated a lot of anxiety for many, causing some to succumb to this terrible addiction. Thus allocating federal funds to help them break free from this unhealthy habit is a very reasonable
investment; especially given the fact that their stress level is going to exponentially increase, once they are made aware of the other quixotic initiatives their hard earned tax dollars will be subsidizing. Call it: preparations for the future.
Now, occasionally, these poor folk will need to relax; to find time to stop and smell the flowers as it were; which is why $2.25 billion is being allocated for national parks, and $53.4 billion are to be used toward improving high speed internet. Some people like to stay home and browse the web for enjoyment while others would rather take a walk in the park. Such is the nature of our diverse society, and government must ensure that the needs of all its citizens are being met.
There are also those who prefer to explore alternative venues for relaxation, such as spending a night on the town lost in reckless debauchery. That is, of course their prerogative; which is why $335 million of this package has been put aside to address that perennial human affliction known as sexually transmitted diseases.
This does not mean that the government encourages this type of behavior, nor implies that carnal intimacy will always necessarily lead to future headaches. In fact, some of these folks may find a common interest with a potential soul mate, and perhaps even agree to pursue a deeper commitment and start a family; an honorable enterprise indeed. This is where the $2 billion for government subsidized Childcare and the $20 Billion in tax credits to defray college tuition costs come into play.
At the same time, a friendly administration should always try to foster a healthy respect for stay at home spouses. It has been proven that children raised in an environment where at least one parental figure is accessible are more likely to grow up to become fully contributing members of society. For these unsung heroes, the stimulus package has budgeted $650 million in redeemable coupons to help in the conversion of their outdated analog TV sets into a digital feed.
And let’s not forget those diligent spouses who bring home the bacon; one must ensure that the environment in which they perform their daily duties is a stress-free, carefully regulated, eco-friendly environment.
To address this concern, the stimulus package contains what I call a brilliant trifecta of environmentally conscious initiatives. The former consists of highly reasonable appropriations to be invested in the following manner: $32 million to go toward implementation of smart electricity grids for energy efficiency, $2.4 billion toward projects to show how carbon greenhouse gases can be removed from the atmosphere, and an additional $400 million for further research on the terrible scourge of Global Warming; a mere drop in the ocean so to speak, but a start nonetheless. Accordingly Obama has already been
briefed that he has only 4 years to solve this truly alarming and most imminent catastrophe.
It is all a carefully assembled potpourri of solution driven initiatives designed to address a number of interrelated environmental concerns, and aimed not only at saving the planet, but also at keeping the working stiffs in a modest state of complacency as they plow through the daily grind.
Now we all must agree that this stimulus package has been impeccably engineered to meet the most pressing needs of an economically distressed populace, while simultaneously encouraging organic growth of the economy. There is no doubt in my mind that in the end we will all be eternally grateful to the administration that brought us so much relief; which is why we must ensure that our new president is re-elected. Hence the $3.44 billion earmarked to go toward helping nonprofit community groups such as ACORN, which proved so vital in procuring his election, despite spurious accusations of voter fraud. After all, why should Mickey Mouse not be allowed to
register to vote?
So you see - these are all carefully apportioned funds by a stewardship conscious administration, designed to usher in a new era of responsibility. So brace yourself. “Change” is coming sooner than you think.
And stop
listening to people like Rush Limbaugh who keep referring to this stimulus package as pork. There’s more than lipstick on it baby!
