Time for people to die as America is destroyed: Trump just signed the tax cut bill into law

I heard from Nancy Pelosi that if taxes are cut, it will kill you. It might kill the entire country. Dang. And just when my team was closing in on a first-round bye in the playoffs. Donald Trump just signed the tax cut bill into law, which means - as per the Democrats and the news media - it's all over for you, bunky:

President Trump signed the sweeping $1.5 trillion tax cut bill minutes before he departed the White House for Mar-a-Lago Friday morning. "We're very proud of it," Mr. Trump said of the measure, adding that it contains "tremendous things" for businesses, for workers, for the middle class and for job creation. Mr. Trump told reporters in the Oval Office he had planned to wait for a formal signing event in January, but when he saw the news reports pointing out that he had said he'd sign by Christmas, he said he "immediately" called and said to get the bill ready to sign. He praised the measure for lowering corporate tax rates, which he said would mean more things would be made in the U.S. And he also singled out the one-year expensing provision in the bill. Companies, he said, would go "wild" about this.

Well, we had a good run, America. Now that corporations will be allowed to keep 79 percent of what they earn instead of 65 percent, it's obviously just a matter of time before Putin's goons are marching on Washington and Bowl Cut Jr. is running my favorite coffee shop here in downtown Royal Oak. When Rob wakes up tomorrow morning and looks out on the water, he'll see the Chinese Navy ready to storm the beaches. And as for the boss and all the crew in Atlanta, well, you don't think that airport power outage was just random, do you? I do not think so! Had the Atlanta airport ever lost power before Trump was getting ready to cut taxes? I thought not. Today Atlanta. Tomorrow your bathroom just as you're in the shower. You'll step out, hair still full of suds, wondering what the hell is going on. And standing there holding a towel will be Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hosseini Khamenei. But he won't hand it to you. He'll wrap it around his head and then take you hostage. Trump will send Jimmy Carter to negotiate for your release. You will die in captivity. But look on the bright side. We did get Season 3 of Twin Peaks before all this happened, and we might make it through Season 11 of the X-Files before the fabric of society is irreparably torn asunder. I need more coffee.