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The Big O Restaurant



I was recently reading rave reviews of the Big O Restaurant so I decided to check it out with some friends of mine.

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Our waiter was a short, thin, curly-haired guy named Timothy. He was raving about how nice Mr. O, the restaurant owner, was. Timothy told us that Mr. O hired him despite the fact he was caught cheating on reporting his tips at the last restaurant he worked at. I asked Timothy what the specialty of the house was. "Pork," he replied. "Well, how big are the portions?" "Huge. You won't believe how much pork we serve," he explained. "That sounds good but exactly how is the pork prepared and what side orders come with it?" I asked. "Don't worry about the details. The important thing is that we start cooking up your pork right away." "Well, could I at least take a look at the menu?" "The menu isn't finished yet. We are still printing up more pages." "Huh? Just how long is the menu?" I asked in amazement. "Thousands of pages...as of now," responded waiter Timothy. "You've got to be kidding me!" "I'm not.... BRING IN THE MENU!" shouted Timothy. A busboy burst through the swinging kitchen doors pushing a wheelbarrow atop which sat an incredibly thick document. Timothy dropped the document, the thickness of several telephone books, on our table with a loud thud. "That's the menu?" I inquired. "Yup!" replied Timothy proudly. "But, remember, even more pages are being printed up even as we speak." "But I can't possibly read this entire menu! I just don't have the time," I protested "No need to. I will just tell you what you will be served. No need to check the fine print," Timothy explained. "So you can tell me what the prices are?" "That is impossible to determine right now but the Central Brunching Office (CBO) has assured that it will be within your budget." "But how will I know how much to pay?" Timothy smiled. "You just write us a blank check and we will fill in the cost when that is finally determined." "This is ridiculous! I demand to see the restaurant owner!" The kitchen doors swung open again. A teleprompter was rolled in followed by a tall thin guy with big ears. "Thank you for visiting my restaurant," read Mr. O from the teleprompter. "Timothy expects us to blindly order pork without reading the details in a menu that would take forever to go over. Then he wants us to write a blank check because the final price for the pork has not yet been determined. This sounds like a horrible way to run a restaurant." "I have made a pledge of transparency in the way we operate this restaurant and..." Mr. O paused. After a few moments I asked, "Why did you suddenly stop talking?" "Shhh!" warned Timothy. "Mr. O is waiting for the teleprompter to catch up." Seconds later, Mr. O resumed talking. "...I promise you will be pleased with the results." "Okay, I'll take your word for it and hand you a blank check for the meal. But can we at least take a few moments to peruse this massive menu?" Suddenly a staggering, follicle-challenged, man burst through the swinging kitchen doors. "MARK MY WORDS!!!" he screamed with eyes bulging. "THE WORLD IS LOOKING! WE ARE ABOUT TO SERVE TONS OF PORK! REMEMBER I SAID IT STANDING HERE IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ELSE I SAID!!!" "Huh? Who is that maniac?" I exclaimed. "That is my assistant, Joe," read Mr. O. "Pay no attention to him. None of here do." "Can we at least find out what kind of wine you serve with your meals," I sighed. "Sorry," read Mr. O. "Joe has unfortunately wiped out all our wine in stock." As to our meal, I will give you a review of it...if it is ever served. P.J. Gladnick lives in South Florida which is full of eccentrics which is why he feel right at home here. P.J.‘s main accomplishments in life was winning a bottle of aftershave when he was eight and having the biggest PING List (almost 1000 Pingees) on the Free Republic forum for my DUmmie FUnnies blog. This is fortunate since he suffer severely from Ping List Envy. He has written a syndicated humor column that appeared in dozens of newspapers throughout North America. Only complete humility forbids him from telling you that his columns appeared in the Houston Chronicle, St. Petersburg Times, L.A Herald-Examiner, Winnipeg Free Press, Cleveland Plain Dealer, Vancouver Sun. P.J. has produced an award-winning satirical comix website called PJ’s Comix. Among the people we viciously satirized was James Carville but I hope that Mary overlooks that. P.J. can be reached at: pjcomix@hotmail.com


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