Senator Harry Reid to Undergo Personality Transplant

Senate Majority Leader Harry (“Just Kidding When I Told You I Hope Your Newspaper Goes Out of Business” Reid), who for years has been afflicted with a Tourette’s-like illness which compels him to insult politicians, fellow Nevadans, American citizens, and respected military leaders, has decided to seek emergency medical treatment, according to America’s most trusted news source--Hugh Betcha. Chief Political Correspondent for the Stoos Views news conglomerate and long time confidante of the Majority Leader, Hugh was invited to the office of Senator Reid for a private discussion about the Senator’s health, before the official announcement was released to the press.

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Upon entering the room, the reporter noticed the overpowering, sickening sweet odor of Glade cinnamon air fresheners strategically placed around the Senator’s office. “What is up with that?” Hugh asked his friend. “Oh, nothing,” the Senator replied, “just use those to cover the stench of the stinky tourists, who visit the Capitol, you know. Especially those right wing Christians--they smell the worst.” Taken aback by the remark, Hugh discreetly sniffed his own armpits to ensure he did not offend the Senator. “Don’t worry,” Reid assured him, “you are the fairest guy in the world, certainly not a damned Christian right winger. You smell fine. Sit down, please.” “How are you feeling, Sir,” the reporter inquired. “Well, I am generally fine, except when I have to deal with people,” he responded, looking down at his desk. “It seems that I have a problem in that regard,“ he conceded. “Such as?” Hugh inquired. “You know, like when I insulted Bush 43 and his mother by implying that his mother was a b*** and W was just like him. Or the times I called W a “liar” and a “loser.” “Well, I am sure you were just having a bad day,” the reporter said, reassuringly. “Yeah, except I seem to have a lot of those. Like when I called Justice Clarence Thomas (a black man as you know) an embarrassment...” “Well….” “…or the time I referred to Marine General Peter Pace as incompetent….” “Yeah, but everyone makes a mistake or two….” “…or when I called Alan Greenspan a ‘political hack’ who attends too many cocktail parties, or insulted those ‘smelly tourists’ who tour the Capitol Building, or referred to anyone who protests Obama’s policies as ‘evil mongers,’ you know.” “About the Las Vegas Review-Journal…” “Yeah,” Reid interrupted, “I probably should never have told the guy that I hope his paper goes out of business. Sometimes I just can’t help myself.” “What is the problem?” Betcha pressed the Senator. “Well, it turns out that I really cannot help it…” “Meaning?” “…I saw doctors at Walter Reed, as well as at the Office of the Attending Physician here in the Capitol, for a second opinion. We get free medical you know. Turns out this is not my fault at all.” “Please explain.” “Well, my doctors all agreed that I have an unusual condition. Sadly, I was born without a personality. It is rare, but true. This explains why I insult my fellow citizens, respected newspapers, military heroes, people’s mothers, black judges, and everyone else, with equal abandon. I cannot help it--it just comes out. I have no scruples, no discretion, no compassion-that it why I walk around with a sour hang dog look all the time. It is humiliating. I have had kids point at me on the street and tell their parents they want my autograph….” “Why?” “They confuse me with Droopy Dog…so embarrassing.” “Geeze, I am so sorry. What are your plans?” “Well, sometime before the 2010 senatorial election in Nevada, I am scheduled to undergo a personality transplant. They tell me that I will become warm and fuzzy, compassionate, discrete, treat others with respect, and become a generally good guy. I may even learn to smile now and then.” “When is this scheduled?” “Well, they need to find a donor first. It is hard to find one among the Democrats in the Senate.” Asked what he plans to do if he is defeated in the upcoming 2010 election in Nevada, which pits him against several attractive Republican candidates--any one of whom beats him in the polls and each of whom has a personality--he responded: “Motivational speaker.”