E.P.A and Gore seek to block passage of Senate Health Care Bill

-Satire- In a surprising move aimed at blocking the passage of the Mother of All Bills—a fifteen pound, 2,000 page, tree-killing, polar bear orphaning, ice melting, greenhouse gas producing monstrosity called the Senate Health Care Bill (aka “Obama Universal Coverage for Health, or, O.U.C.H)—EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson and Al (The Earth’s Core is Hotter than the Sun) Gore joined as Plaintiffs in a last minute attempt to block action on the bill this weekend. And, in order to publicize their attempt to block the legislation, they enlisted the help of the most trusted name in journalism and the man who has dined with Princes, Kings and Presidents, world traveler, and Head of the Environmental News Desk of Stoos Views’ media conglomerate, Hugh Betcha.

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In a hastily convened news conference at 2:30 a.m. on November 21, 2009—with only the Stoos Views reporter in attendance—the two announced that they were filing for an injunction in the United States District Court in Washington, DC seeking to not only prevent the United States Senate, led by Harry (The Jokester) Reid, from taking any further action to pass Obama Care but, specifically, to enjoin the Senate and the House, from printing any further copies of the gargantuan bill. “Our reasons are simple,” declared Lisa Jackson, Head of the EPA, who as recently as April of 2009 announced that the EPA concluded carbon dioxide emissions ‘posed a grave threat to public health and welfare.’ “Between the House version of the bill and the Senate version of the bill, and the TARP legislation earlier this year, my agency has concluded—based on a scientific study conducted during the past three months--that nearly 16 million trees have been sacrificed in order to print the various drafts, re-writes and addenda necessary to pass these bills. Between the working copies, the semi-final copies, the final copies that each legislator, each member of their bloated staffs, and each member of the public wants, our calculations are that, by the end of Obama’s first (and last) term in 2012, this Congress will have—given its present pace, legislating and spending money like drunken sailors—killed enough trees to cover a land mass the size of Oregon.” “If I may…” interrupted Mr. Gore, “I am, as you know, Al Gore—almost President of the United States, heh-heh, winner of the Nobel Prize and Chief Environmentalist of the World. My studies have also shown, as Ms. Jackson indicated, that Congress ranks second only to the pine beetle in its destruction of the forestlands in the western United States. Of course, it would be impractical to eliminate Congress; however, if we can stop them from wasting so much paper, and thereby save our forests, we can save the planet.” “How serious a situation is this really,” inquired the ace reporter. “Well,” responded Gore, with furrowed brow, “when Congress passes so much legislation, it causes the destruction of millions of acres of trees; the trees must be cut down by the tens of millions not only to create the paper to print the monstrous bills which no one reads, but each bill necessitates the creation of billions of paper dollars necessary to fund the rampant spending that Congress engages in. My studies show that when Congress kills enough trees to deforest Oregon, this robs the planet of these trees, which formerly filtered massive quantities of carbon dioxide from the air. This in turn results in far greater quantities of CO2 in the atmosphere, which in turn heats up the air surrounding the earth. When the air heats up, it increases global warming around our planet, the oceans rise, the ice caps melt, and polar bears are set adrift in the ocean, separated from their cubs, until they eventually drown and the cubs die, crying for their mothers, because they cannot fend for themselves. Additionally, because the ozone layer of the earth is destroyed in the process, human beings are more susceptible to skin cancer. In fact, my projections are that 5% more cases of skin cancer will occur over the next three years because of this.” “So, what is the bottom line here, Mr. Gore?” asked the reporter. “To put it bluntly,” Gore replied, “at the present rate of legislative activity, through the end of Obama’s first and only term—2012—Congress will have consumed one third of our forests, killed 2,078 polar bears, caused 5 million additional skin cancer deaths, heated the atmosphere by an average of 5 degrees Fahrenheit and flooded Los Angeles, New York City and New Orleans. This must end. Therefore, we are asking the Court to enjoin the passage of any further health care legislation and thereby spare this country and the planet from an environmental disaster.” “Do you have anything to add, Ma’am?” Hugh inquired of Ms. Jackson. “Yes. Pursuant to my authority as Head of the Environmental Protection Agency, I have added one more species to the Endangered Species List.” “Which is?” “Americanus Taxusmaximus. The American taxpayer.”