Federal Liberals establish new suicide cult

Stephane Dion has promised that if he is elected prime minister of Canada we will all be paying more for gasoline, natural gas and home heating oil. His brilliant new strategy hopes to capture the votes of those Canadians who don’t think that current energy prices are high enough and that what this country really needs is higher taxes.

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“Ze cost of ze gazoline ees too chip in Canada,” Mr. Dion proclaimed to a hushed caucus as he revealed his clever strategy. “Canadian like to pay more... eet ees what set us apart from ze Americains.” In unveiling plans for his new carbon tax, Mr. Dion stressed that he was also including natural gas and home heating oil in the scheme. “Ze Canadian ‘ave deir ‘omes too ‘ot in weenter,” he proclaimed. “And dey overcook deir food. Weeth dese new taxes deir ‘omes will be just right for sleeping...maybe even de ‘eibernation and deir food weel not be overcook-ed. Maybe dey all weel eat de sushi more often.” While most of the caucus remained silent and refused to comment to the media following their meeting, there were some rumblings from unnamed sources within the Liberal Party that Dion’s plan was very close to that of the Rev. Jim Jones of Jonestown, whose followers committed mass suicide back in 1978 when 900 of them drank cyanide-laced Kool Aid. Mr. Dion announced his plans to campaign on higher energy taxes in the wake of a poll released by the new polling organization, IgRae inc., which showed Canadians were dissatisfied with the low prices of gasoline at the pump and showed a marked preference for an increase in energy taxes. “Seven out of 10 Canadians were strongly in favor or somewhat in favor of higher energy taxes,” said pollster B. Rae who conducted the poll among 1041 Canadians between May 12 and May 19. “With a margin of error of less than plus or minus 2% it’s a safe bet that higher energy taxes will be the deciding issue in the next election,” he added. The Liberals are also considering an increase in the GST and a change in the tax code to include food as a taxable item. Mr. Dion indicated that obesity among Canadians was becoming a problem for the healthcare system, which is why he was considering taxing food. “We ‘ave not yet decide to include ze plan to tax ze food,” Mr. Dion stated. “But weet ze obesiness ‘igher food price may be just what ze doctor order.” Other planks in the Liberal election platform may include the abolition of private automobiles in order to meet Canada’s Kyoto targets as well the introduction of two as yet unspecified new official languages to accommodate the recent influx of immigrants to Canada. “Ze climate change, it concern me. We cut ze carbon hemission by hate percent,” Dion said. “Eef ze private automobile ees off ze roads, den ze traffic get better. Beside, my dog, Kyoto, she weel feel, ‘ow you say...much more safe from ze cars.” Both Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff wholeheartedly support their leader’s strategy to campaign on higher energy taxes, as it will expedite a Liberal leadership convention immediately following the election.