Obama orders Jewish and Muslim restaurants to serve pork

-Satire- “I need the Pork Vote,” said the President firmly to his assembled cabinet. “Those Iowa farmers can deliver six Electoral College votes for me, pork prices are low, pork is the ‘other white meat’ and very healthy, so it is a marriage made in heaven. I promote pork, the Iowa pig farmers promote me and we win Iowa. Accordingly,” he continued before a shocked audience, “I am issuing an Executive Order—to be administered by Health and Human Services—that henceforth, all Jewish and Muslim restaurants in the United States shall offer at least one pork dish to their customers.”

And Hugh Betcha, voted MSNBC’S The Most Trusted Reporter, 2012 and “Reporter Most Likely to Send a Tingle Up Chris Mathews’ Leg, 2012” was there to witness this monumental event. Present by invitation and frequent visitor to the Oval Office, Hugh, Head of Religious Liberties Bureau of the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate, noted a stunned silence fell like a pall over the gathering. Even Obama’s closest allies could not believe what they had just heard. Unafraid to confront his good friend, the President, Hugh dared to ask what the rest would not: “But what about the Jewish and Muslim voters? They are going to be unhappy about this—just before the election and all, doesn’t that worry y----“

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“---Not in the least,” the President chuckled. “Just look at the Catholics. I shoved the abortion rights agenda down their throat and there was barely a whimper from that bunch. Geeze, I even got an invitation to dinner from Cardinal Dolan,” he grinned. “They voted for me last time and they will again this time. I may have offended a couple of Catholics, but they are still going to vote for me—and I picked up the abortion vote by ordering the Catholic insurers and employers to pay for abortion drugs and reproductive services. It was a good trade off after all.” “But the Jews and Muslims—what about their religious values?” “Not to worry,” the President assured him, “the Muslims love me because I was born a Muslim and the Jews voted overwhelmingly for me and will again. Unlike their rabid counterparts in Israel, the Jews in America are liberal, and, like most Americans, they love me. In time they will grow used to the new menu, just as Catholics will in time grow used to paying for abortion services.” “But what about the encroachment on religious liberty—do you not see the issue there?” “Hey it is all about shared sacrifice—we all have to give up a little freedom now and then, in order to achieve a noble goal and promote the common good….” “…which is?” “My re-election of course.” “Is there anything else in the works that the public might want to know about?” “Not really, between the abortion mandate and the pork mandate I think we have accomplished a lot. But I do have other concerns…” “Such as?” asked Hugh, afraid to ask. “Well, I am not very big on criticism. I hear a lot of people out there disagreeing with me. This is troublesome. And, I am not real big on guns...they kill people you know. And those conservative talk show hosts….” © 2012 William Kevin Stoos