A Hugh Betcha Exclusive Report: IRS Agents to Give Free Rectal Exams with Every Audit

-Satire It was not unusual for President Obama to call his good friend, Hugh Betcha, to the White House in advance of a new government program.

After all, Hugh--Ace Reporter for Canada Free Press and Chief of the National Health Care Desk of the Stoos Views' Media Conglomerate--was voted "2013 Health Reporter of the Year" by MSNBC for his insightful reporting on the implementation of the Obamacare legislation. And the President had found a perfect way to integrate Obamacare with the IRS.... Arriving at the Oval Office, Hugh was greeted warmly by his old friend, President Obama--who relied on Hugh to report to the nation on the merger of the IRS with Obamacare in a manner that was fair, insightful and informative, as always. "So glad you could make it," the President said, smiling. "Want you to meet Dr. Anil Fizzur," he said as he pointed to a rather droll looking man in an overstuffed chair wearing a long lab coat and green visor. "We like to call him Dr. Tax."

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"How do you do?" Hugh asked the stranger in the white lab coat. "Better than you apparently," the stranger replied, extending a limp wrist to the reporter. "What?" Hugh asked, taken aback by the abrupt comment. "You know, your strep throat last week...." "Yes, but how did you---" Hugh asked. "--of course your records...all online you know," the little man smiled weakly. "But you are not my doctor," Hugh replied. "Are you even a doctor?" "Of course," replied the stranger, "I have an M.D. and a masters in tax law. The President has appointed me to head up Obamacare. We at the IRS will be administering the plan as you know. I am what you might call a prototype." "But what right have you to see my records?" "Well, our mandate is to administer your health care plan and to enforce the tax code, so it is only natural that we have access to your records and your finances you know. Certainly you have heard of the 16,000?" "The what?" "The 16,000 IRS agents the President is hiring in order to administer Obamacare and enforce the tax code-- we are all doctors too, you see." "It is part of my new plan to slim down government and make it more efficient," the President interjected, "I decided that, since we are going to put a lot of doctors out of work, it would make sense to hire them as IRS agents. That way we can capitalize on their medical training and enforce the tax laws as well--a perfect match. They can deliver some health services at the same time they carry out their enforcement responsibilities." "Your doctor--you called him a couple times last week," Dr. Tax said to Hugh. "Dr. Khalid I think--a foreigner, right?" "Well yes, he is here from Iran and a great doctor, here on a work visa." "Yeah, well, just wondered, you know--" "--about what?" "Perhaps you should not call him so often. He is on the list you know--the calls overseas and all....May want to think of a new doctor, that's all." "But how did you know? Don't tell me--the NSA?" "I didn't say that." "But how else could you--" "--Just saying...." Growing ever more uncomfortable with the stranger, Hugh started to rise from his usual easy chair in the corner of the Oval Office, when he saw the stranger reach into his pocket for a pair of latex gloves. "Here, I will step out of the room in order to respect your privacy," the President remarked as he walked toward the door. "We are all about privacy as you know. Just wanted to introduce you to the new concept," he said to Hugh as he excused himself. "I'll leave you two alone for a bit." "Drop them," Dr. Tax said sternly as he pointed to Hugh's pants. "But...." "Bend over and spread 'em." "But you are not my doctor and I do not need this." protested Hugh. "Just had a procto last week from my own doctor." "This is a Presidential mandate--he wants you to be the first to experience the new program in action. We are all your doctors now," the stranger grinned. "Besides, it is free. Comes with every audit. Government efficiency at its best." As the bewildered reporter bent over, and Dr. Tax snapped on the latex gloves ready to plunge his digit where the sun never shines and administer the government-mandated exam, Hugh inquired meekly: "Why this?" "Because," Dr. Tax replied, "taxpayers have creative ways of hiding their assets."