South Dakotan Wins Olympic Gold in First Ever Bierathlon

Of all the several new Olympic sports approved by the International Olympic Committee for the 2014 Olympics, none is more interesting or has drawn bigger crowds than the Bierathlon—a rigorous sport that contains the best elements of Nordic ski touring, American marksmanship and German beer drinking.

And, in what has been dubbed one of the Cinderella performances of the 2014 Winter Olympics, Stoos Views’ own Hugh Betcha—Chief of the International Sports Desk of the Stoos Views media conglomerate—took the first ever gold medal for the American team this week with a sterling performance that awed the thousands who lined the venue to witness this fledgling sport. Hugh, whose exclusive reports on international affairs have graced the pages of the mighty Canada Free Press and many other powerful international news outlets, departed from his role as news reporter to become newsmaker as he handily won the event over his competitors. A native of Wynstone, South Dakota, Hugh’s years of cross country skiing, beer can plinking and beer drinking paid off with an accomplishment destined to land the reporter several commercial endorsements and a place on the Wheaties boxes of a generation of admiring young boys. “I am amazed and thrilled,” Hugh told a packed crowd of international reporters. “All these years of skiing, shooting at random objects and swilling Bud Light has paid off. When I heard about this new sport I thought ‘what the heck’, why not? I just want to thank God, Bud Light, and the NRA for their backing throughout my past four years of training. Without their encouragement I could not have made it.”

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The Bierathlon—an offshoot of the familiar Biathlon in which contestants ski and shoot—combines that sport with a sport made famous by Germans and good old boys from the American Midwest and South—beer drinking. Asked about the new event, Hugh was happy to explain: “It is a sport that demands physical endurance, yes, but so much more. It tests your ability to overcome fatigue, consume your beer and retain the ability to focus on the target. There are three stages to the sport: first, you must ski ten miles up and down mountain trails. At the end of the first leg, you ski to the biertisch [beer table] where you must consume a twelve pack of Bud Light as quickly as possible, then ski the empties down to the target range—where they are lined up on a pedestal one foot apart. Then you must ski back to the biertisch and, taking a .22 rifle, you have twelve shots to hit as many empties as you can. You are judged not only on your skiing time, but how many Buds you can consume and how many out of the twelve empties you can knock over.” Asked how practical the sport is, Hugh replied. “Anyone who has ever skied into the mountains in search of cougar, wolves or bears, and relaxed over a twelve pack at the end of the day, understands how important it can be to retain the ability to shoot straight, under the influence, in case of animal attack. This is undoubtedly the genesis of the sport.” However, sadly, the sport may be short lived. In an unfortunate series of events, several of the exhausted contestants passed out at the biertisch after just a few beers and were unable to advance. Others who did make it past the second leg fell on their way to set up their beer cans; two did make it to the third stage but errant alcohol-induced shots injured two judges. And yet another competitor was shot in the foot by a nervous Russian security guard who mistook him for a Dagestani terrorist as he skied up to the biertisch. When asked about his prospects for 2018—Hugh said he was ready to go again “if there is another and I hope there is.” [sic] Next week: “Extreme Ironing” approved by the IOC for 2018 Winter Games. Copyright © 2014 William Kevin Stoos