Doctors Discover Harry Reid's Problem: Born Without a Personality Senator to Undergo Transplant...

--Satire Struck by another Tourette's-like outburst which led him to refer to some Nevada ranchers as "domestic terrorists" during the Government's Operation Desert Tortoise, Senator Harry Reid recently sought admission to the Walter Reed Emergency room in Washington, D.C.

According to America's most trusted news source--Hugh Betcha, Chief Political Correspondent for the Stoos Views news conglomerate, voted Most Respected Conservative Reporter by Al "The Rat" Sharpton's recent N.A.N Convention, Reporter We Would Most Like to Hang With, 2014 by MSNBC, and long-time confidante of the Majority Leader--Hugh was invited to the office of Senator Reid for a private discussion about the Senator's health before the official announcement was released to the press. It seems that now, even the Senator himself--famous for his acid tongue and a man who seemingly cannot speak without spewing venom, racial insults and defamation--realized there was a problem. To his credit, he decided to do something about it. "How are you feeling, Sir," the reporter inquired. "Well, I am generally fine, except when I have to deal with people," he responded, looking down at his desk. "It seems that I have a problem in that regard," he conceded. "Such as?" Hugh inquired.

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"You know, like when I insulted Bush 43 and his mother by implying that his mother was a b*** and W was just like her. Or the times I called W a "liar" and a "loser." "Well, I am sure you were just having a bad day," the reporter said, reassuringly. "Yeah, except I seem to have a lot of those. Like when I called Justice Clarence Thomas--a Negro as you know--an embarrassment...." "Or when I referred to President Obama--a Negro as you know--as 'light-skinned, with no Negro dialect and therefore electable in 2008.'" "Or when I told the The Las Vegas Review-Journal that 'I hope you go out of business.'" "Or when I insulted our brave men and women in the service during an ongoing war by telling America that the War in Iraq is lost." "Or like when I take to the senate floor with regularity--like the 'Two Minutes Hate" in Orwell's 1984--and shake my fist and scream uncontrollably at the Koch Brothers simply because they are rich and successful and have given millions to charity and do not deserve my wrath." "Or the time when I complained that my fellow citizens who toured the Capitol--you know the ones who elected us to office and who we are supposed to serve--were 'smelly.'" "Well, I am glad you realize the problem now," Hugh said, reassuringly. "Yeah, so I went to Walter Reed for an opinion. We get free medical care unlike the rest of you, you know. And they discovered my problem, thank goodness: I was born without a personality. This leads me to appear dull, lifeless; to insult blacks, fellow Americans, veterans, and anyone else in the vicinity because I have no tact, compassion, or self-control it seems. So I am scheduled for a personality transplant in the next few weeks. I am looking forward to it." Wishing the Senator good luck, Hugh excused himself to return home, but not before speaking to Reid's surgeon--with permission of the Senator. Dr. Fontana Masson, of Walter Reed Hospital's Transplant Division, advised Hugh that the personality transplant would be performed in "stages" [sic], which surprised the reporter. "Stages?" the reporter asked. "Yes," she replied, "we are first doing an interspecies transplant." "A what?" Hugh asked. "We are first transplanting the personality of some lower species, such as a grizzly or a rattler." "This just sounds weird." "Well, either one would be an improvement in the short term," replied the doctor. "Transplanting a human personality in the Senator all at once would simply be too much of a shock to his system. That will have to come later." © 2014 William Kevin Stoos Listen to Kevin today at 2 P.M. on KTW 630 'RIGHT SPOKANE PERSPECTIVE’