The EU and its tireless toilers are roundly despised in Britain which is strange as Shakespeare’s scepter’d isle falls into a class of its own when it comes to harassing innocent horticulturists.
The Peter Principle states that in a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. The corollary is that in time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. Nowhere is this better proven than in the world of the bungleaucrat, aka snivel servant. Attempting to justify their existence, the gardening fraternity may be exposed to their methodology.
Some believe the ultimate on this planet exist in Brussels, Belgium, as minions of the European Union. This past summer, for example, a proposed EU ruling would have forced lawn tractor owners to purchase insurance against accidents on private land. Not content with this, the Brussels bungleaucrats next targeted all gas-powered mowers, demanding they face emission tests. The root vegetable known elsewhere as a rutabaga was first developed in Sweden and so was often referred to as a “swede.’ But a turnip cannot be called a swede, not in the EU anyway as the two veggies are different – except if swede is used in a Cornish pasty then it may be called turnip. Still with us?
Failure to remove what the EU classes as a weed could result in criminalization the Royal Horticultural Society warned last March, if British gardeners persisted in growing rhododendrons or other “invasive” species.
Under pressure, Brussels may cave in. The EU’s new rules on subsidies announced last June oblige farmers to ensure that some of their land supports wild plants and animals. But during negotiations, farmers in Europe watered down the policy so planting crops that improve soil such as peas and beans may be counted as helping wildlife. A few months later, farmers were forbidden to fertilize hillsides with gradients of more than 15%, causing a Bavarian farmer to outfit his cows with super-size diapers.
“Well, believe what you want. Otherwise, the world gets dull in a hurry,” wrote Mike Strobel in the Toronto Sun, adding, “Our only bogeymen would be politicians, bureaucrats and Habs fans.”
Of course such idiocy is not limited to Europe.
In the antipodes, garden safety has gone mad according to The New Zealand Herald. A correspondent wrote to complain: “Despite my efforts to comply with safety instructions, the hose I bought could be difficult because of this warning: “Do not leave unattended when not in use.’ Am I now committed to eating and sleeping with my new hose?”
In Zambia it is unwise to compare a potato with the country’s leader, as did an opposition politician. He was promptly arrested and charged with defamation, perhaps for blowing on the wrong tuber.
Back in the U.S. of A. Karen Holloway of Lenoir City, Tennessee became a little lax in her yard work. We all have neighbours like that, some more obnoxious than others. But do they deserve, like poor Ms. Holloway, a jail sentence? Cited by code enforcers she was sentenced in court to five days in the slammer, later mercifully reduced to just six hours.
Out on Canada’s Left Coast, Vancouver officials say a nude and lewd nine-foot statue of Satan was removed from a park near the Grandview Highway because it was not officially commissioned by the city. Being B.C., this provoked a petition for its return with people signing on from as far away as Ho Chi Minh City, Helsinki, Brisbane, Toronto – and, yes, Brussels.
The EU and its tireless toilers are roundly despised in Britain which is strange as Shakespeare’s scepter’d isle falls into a class of its own when it comes to harassing innocent horticulturists.
Residents there attempting to spruce up the neighbourhood should be especially careful. In Higher Broughton, Salford, Greater Manchester, some such were told their flowerpots are an ‘obstruction.’ Over in Norwich kill-joys ordered a man to remove his window boxes hanging outside his ground floor flat. They might fall on some one – all of four feet from the ground. Far worse was the possible fait of Colin and Kath Halsey in Northwich, Cheshire. For 15 years they planted pansies and daffodils to discourage motorists curbing up the verge when parking their cars. Then along came a blowhard threatening them with ‘criminal damage.’
Failure to control Japanese knotweed is not only ‘anti-social’ under new behaviour laws but could result in fines of up to £2,500, warned the Home Office this autumn. Are you reading this, Ms. Holloway?
Some local government decisions simply leave you to shake your head. Palms grow outside year-round in southwest England. Torquay Council spent £7,000 to bring a palm tree from Spain, then to shell out another further £4,500 to save the six-metre-tall specimen from a new highway. Up in Bradford, West Yorkshire local labourers widened a footpath rather than trim back an overgrown hedge. However, in Dukes Mound Park, Brighton, East Sussex, city parks leave bushes 15- to 20-feet tall to conceal a gay cruising site and people indulging in sex.
George Jonas once observed on South Korea’s suggested code of conduct for robots:
“When they say ‘robots,’ the South Koreans are really talking about officials: civil servants and such. They want a code for government bureaucrats, with the Number One Rule of never harming their masters. Yes, I can see that. Top taboo for officials: Do no harm to taxpayers who created you and pay your wages. Great Idea. Let’s implant it neatly in the brains of bureaucrats at the time of their appointment. Lift up the lid, hook up the chip, wham, thanks, next one. Good for the South Koreans to have thought of it.”
One suspects he had been watching too much Woody Allen’s Sleeper. Ah, but to dream . . .
Wes Porter is a horticultural consultant and writer based in Toronto. Wes has over 40 years of experience in both temperate and tropical horticulture from three continents.
