MSNBC Star Bush-Basher Keith Doberman Wins Coveted Journalism Prize

- Satire - It seems that the MSNBC Democratic attack dog duo of Chris “Tingle” Matthews and Keith “Mad Dog” Doberman, just cannot help themselves. After his partner, Chris “Tingle Down the Leg When I Hear Barack Speak” Mathews, won the coveted Stoos Views 2008 “Bambi Award” for “Most Fawning Over a Political Candidate by a National News Personality” for his smarmy reporting on Candidate Barack Obama during the recent Presidential Election, this time it was the number two Democrat shill, Doberman , who struck gold. This week, Stoos Views announced that its 2009 winner of the “Dead Horse Award” for “most unoriginal, repetitive, vitriolic national news reportage” went to none other than Keith Doberman. While it was Tingle’s drooling over Obama like a lovesick school girl during the 2008 election that won him the Bambi Award, it was Doberman’s gratuitous, nightly vitriol against George W. Bush—no longer in the Oval Office—that earned Doberman the much sought after award for beating an issue to death.

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This week, Stoos Views reporter, Hugh Betcha, traveled to the studios of “Down for the Count”—Doberman’s flagging nightly news show--which lags behind re-runs of “Lassie,” “Home Shopping Network,” “ Cooking With Esteban,” and “Best of All Star Wrestling 2006,” in the Nielsen ratings, to interview Doberman. “As you know, I have been in the tank for my man Barack for so long, that, quite honestly, I forgot that Bush has lost the election and is no longer President,” Doberman admitted as he sat at his desk holding a George Bush bobble head doll between his hands. “Like my buddy Chris Tingle, I have become such a shill for the Democrats that I frankly got carried away these past three weeks and started bashing Bush again,” he noted sheepishly. “Last week, one of my producers took me aside and asked why I continue to spend ten minutes a night bashing the ex-President with silly little “BUSHED!” segments featuring things I do not like about the ex-President. But,” he said, “I think my role as an admittedly biased “reporter “ is to remind the public ad nauseum that I hate Bush, and never let them forget it. Sure there are some news items out there that I could spend my time on—little stuff like wars, poverty, famine, the fact that the Democrats in Congress have just mortgaged the future of the next five generations of Americans with the stimulus bill, the Barney Frank credit crisis, and stuff like that—but, honestly, it is so much easier to bash Bush and I find that I just cannot help myself. Some have suggested that I need treatment for my obsessive-compulsive Bush bashing disorder. Sure, our ratings could not suck enough; certainly, I felt bad that MSNBC (More Sycophants Nuzzling Barack Constantly) demoted Chris Tingle and me due to his admitted man crush on the new President and my insane hatred of Bush, but, hey, you gotta stand on principle. Besides, I plan to run Chris Tingle’s 2010 senatorial campaign. So if MSNBC does not like the way I bash Bush, they can cram it! I got a new gig in 2010 anyway!” When asked what platform Tingle will run on in 2010, Doberman replied: “There are two basic planks: 1. Whatever Obama says; and 2. We hate Bush.” When asked by Stoos Views whether Doberman is allowing his irrational personal hatred of all things Bush to cloud his judgment, Doberman became increasingly hostile, and began a sudden tirade which disturbed the reporter: “Hey, Bush was so evil and corrupt that I figure we can milk this for another ten years or so. It is a win for Obama and a win for Tingle in 2010. If things go badly for the Democrats, we can always blame it on Bush. After all, every bad thing that has happened in the world was, in fact, caused by George Bush.” At this point, the reporter began to feel a little creeped out as Doberman’s voice became ever louder and shriller. “ My mission in life is to remind the public over and over again how bad this man was and all the bad things he did. First, as you know from watching my show each night, as 5,000 other Americans do, Bush is the “WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.” I have researched this, and it is true. He is Lucifer, the Devil, Beelzebub, The Great Satan, and the Anti Christ. Everyone knows what Bush did: From personally training the 911 terrorists in Saudi Arabia, to causing the smog during the Beijing Olympics; murdering thousands in Darfur, causing global warming—which resulted in the deaths of thousands of polar bears and seals--and poisoning our peanut butter with salmonella! That is not all,” he continued, eyes narrowing, his face contorted, and turning redder. “He, personally, tortured prisoners in Gitmo, caused the record cold temperatures across the country, caused the devastating fires in Australia this week, committed six axe murders, and ordered the CIA to seed the clouds in the Atlantic—causing Hurricane Katrina for the purpose of killing black people-- and he shoots radar waves at my head whenever I leave the studio!” At this point Doberman fell out of his chair screaming and bit the head off the George Bush bobble head doll, whereupon Stoos Views hastily concluded the interview and ran out….