Barack Obama wants you to destroy your holidays the ObamaCare way

Most of us view Thanksgiving as a time for friends, family, and reflection. We gather, we enjoy one another's company, and we dine. It's a celebration of the people in our lives, good food, and gratitude.

That's all well and good, but what do you do if you're not "most of us?" What if you're a devout leftist who thinks the pilgrims were nothing more than "white oppressors?" Maybe you're the kind of person who likes to spend the day whining about your own ill-gotten "privilege?" What if you're a member of the increasingly tiny minority that actually still believes in the Affordable Care Act? If that sounds like you, BarackObama.com is here to help. Rather than simply letting you plan a party you hope it will devolve into a nightmare of political arguments, the caring folks at Organizing for Action have put together a handy guide that will let you cut to the chase. Follow their simple plan and you can rest assured that your Turkey Day will be as miserable as possible. It's called "Healthcare for the Holidays" and it's every bit as creepy as you might think. As the site says,

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This holiday season, millions of Americans have a chance to get quality, affordable health insurance—many for the first time. If you have family members who are uninsured, you can play a big part in helping them find coverage that works for them. It might not always seem like it, but your family listens to you. So have the talk.

Yes, the President of the United States is requesting that you bombard your Thanksgiving guests with an ObamaCare seminar. However, simply talking about the glories of his signature legislation won't be enough. You'll be expected to set up an area in your home where you can actually sign people up! Won't that be fun? It sure will! You can start your conversation anywhere, but to shop for health coverage, you will want a more quiet, private place to make a phone call or use the internet. We recommend eliminating the kids table. Once you get rid of all those plates, you'll have plenty of space to set up a Healthcare.gov workstation. Plus, children love to eat on the floor. It's win-win! Now, your guests may have been planning to bring a dish. Perhaps they were in charge of desert, or the stuffing, or the mashed potatoes. Forget all that. It's unhealthy, and most of it is on Michelle's "do not eat" list anyway. Here's what BarackObama.com says visitors should be carrying when they knock on the door.

Are your family members traveling home for the holidays? There are a few things they’ll need to sign up for health coverage. Make sure they bring the following items with them before they head home.

PACKING LIST

In order to shop on the new health insurance marketplace, you’ll need to have a few basic pieces of information with you:

1. Your Social Security Number
2. Information about your employer and income— either a pay stub or a copy of your most recent W-2 tax form
3. If you currently have health insurance, you’ll need your health insurance card or paperwork that includes a health policy number

Nothing says "old fashioned Norman Rockwell holiday" like demanding that Uncle Fred and Aunt Jenny bring their Social Security numbers and W-2 forms. We all know how much people love to discuss their salaries over a holiday meal. Why, with a little luck, the fighting may start before they even get to your house! Speaking of that, OFA doesn't want you to wait until the last minute to get the ball rolling. Hit 'em with ObamaCare the second they walk in the door, and then do it again whenever possible. Just like voting for Democrats, "early and often" is key.

Start early: Don’t wait until the last minute—be sure to start the conversation early! Integrate the talk into family time: Take advantage of downtime after meals or between holiday activities to start your talk.

When everyone's exhausted after dinner? Hit 'em with the ACA. During the commercials after "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" but before "Planes Trains and Automobiles?" That's the perfect time for a signup! Heck, why not skip the parade, have them over for breakfast, and fire up the computer? It's never too soon! If you encounter resistance, which you might expect from your drunken Republican cousin, stick with it. Tell him his liver is probably failing, and hammer the point home. OFA does not want you to give up. Persistence is their watchword.

Make it personal: Be honest about your feelings and why this is important to you. Be persistent, but keep it positive: Tell them you care about their health, and focus on the benefits that come from knowing that you have health insurance.

If none of the above works, you may have to resort to the hard sell. Like a used car dealer trying to make his monthly numbers, you'll want to apply as much pressure as you can possibly muster. BarackObama.com offers the following aggressive tactics:

Start by asking: “Have you thought about signing up for health insurance on the new marketplace?” Offer to walk them through it: “Would you like to take some time with me to sign up right now?” Ask them to make a plan, and commit to it: “When do you plan on signing up?” Don’t forget to follow up: “Have you signed up yet?”

Remember: "A guy doesn't walk into your house for Thanksgiving, unless he wants to buy ObamaCare!" In the immortal words of David Mamet, you should "always be closing." Whatever happens, "Get them to sign on the line which is dotted!" Of course, all of this assumes that the website will be working at the 80% effective rate that was promised by Jay Carney. Despite your best efforts to ruin Thanksgiving, there's a slim chance that some particularly lazy Americans won't take this opportunity to force their family members into the exchanges. If the site goes down or there simply aren't enough signups, Democrats will be forced to push back their deadlines. When that happens, we're sure we'll receive instructions about ruining Christmas as well.