Bowl Cut Jr. bans weddings and funerals for some reason

The good news is that there's no chance your funeral will be coming up any time soon in North Korea! I don't think that means you can't be executed, but if you don't have any life insurance - like, say, 100 percent of the North Korean population - your family won't have to worry about the cost of a casket. They'll just toss you into the DMZ and call it good. The bad news is that you can't get married either, in case you were going to, because that would represent a threat to the nation. How? Don't ask me. I'm not an insane communist dictator and I don't get the briefing notes, bro. Talk to the man in charge:

The North Korean dictator banned all weddings – and funerals – for the coming week as the reclusive country gears up to anoint him as their official leader at the first Workers' Party of Korea Congress in 36 years, Britain’s Sunday Times reports. Thousands of delegates and security forces from across North Korea are expected to travel to Pyongyang to pay their respects to Kim during the Congress, which starts on May 6 and is expected to last several days. Weddings and funerals have been canceled for security reasons, the newspaper reported, without elaborating. "Strengthening security can be seen as a measure to prevent mishaps over the party congress," said Cheong Joon-hee, a spokesman at South Korea's Unification Ministry, according to The Mirror.

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It may not be safe to assume that weddings and funerals (or anything else for that matter) are the same in North Korea as they are in normal countries. But let's think about this. What they have in common is that families gather. Depending on the family, there may be a lot of drunkenness. Maybe that's a threat to the country because . . . all right, I got nothing here. Or . . . maybe Bowl Cut Jr. heard that some infiltrator was in the country plotting to sabotage the government, and the exchange of information that would precipitate his downfall was going to take place at a wedding or a funeral! Why not take the King Herod kill-all-the-two-year-olds approach and just cancel all weddings and funerals? If you want to gather and celebrate, the palace guard will pay you a visit. The result will probably not be pleasant for you, but at least no one will be throwing you a funeral! Rob said he sort of heard this might be only half-true or something. I want to believe. And if they've got a brain in their collective heads they'll also put a stop to graduations and birthday parties before they're all speaking Mexican