WhatFinger


Inside tips on how to be healthy, happy and prosperous

Inside Tips



Comedian Redd Foxx’s instructions to his barber were always the same: “I want it fried, dyed, and laid to the side.” My barber, Larry, wishes his customers were as easy to please as Redd Foxx. Some of his homeliest patrons think they are God’s gift to women and demand that he perform countless cosmetological contortions so that their coiffures will complement their image of themselves as charming Casanovas.
He told me about one customer whose instructions were, “Leave several divots on the back and top; let the left side overlap the ear and the right side be an inch above the ear; comb the front into bangs and cut the same jagged edge as last time; and let one side be sideburn-less and the other look like Elvis.” When Larry said he couldn’t do that, the man retorted, “I don’t know why not; that’s the way you cut it the last time.” Larry is laid-back and loves his patrons, even the surly ones. He’s especially fond of senior citizens, probably because their vanishing plumage requires less work, and he offers a special deal to those who survived another year. During the week between Christmas and New Year, geezers pay a dollar off the regular price, provided they’ve been faithful patrons all year.

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While cashing in on this windfall one late December day, I asked Larry how he tolerated customers’ insults, lies, and stale gossip. He says it’s because some give him inside tips on how to be healthy, happy and prosperous. Here are several he shared with me. One customer said Larry should stop eating chocolate bars because chocolate is harvested in the Amazon and there is an average of eight insect legs in each bar. Another tip suggested giving up his favorite soft drink because its manufacturers are atheists and refuse to put “Under God” on the cans. Another told him not to lick envelopes because cockroaches crave the taste of envelope glue and leave saliva-borne microbes that cause Marthambles, an incurable malady that runs its course over several weeks until the stricken licker ceases flopping, kicking, frothing at the mouth, gnashing his teeth, and expires. As Southern as Larry is, he is now reluctant to eat fried chicken, the quintessential deep-South gustatory delight, because one customer swore that major poultry producers merchandise fowl that are mutant, eyeless, featherless freaks gorged on genetically modified organisms. Another customer, who got the straight skinny from his friend’s next-door neighbor’s mother-in-law’s third husband’s cousin’s chiropractor, told Larry that he forwarded him an email promising that, at last count, 981 angels were watching over him and will continue doing so if he adds one angel to the email subject line and forwards the message to the person he thinks is most in need of 982 angels watching over him. Larry forwarded it to me. Heading into the New Year, I’ve got so much to be thankful for, especially being one of Larry’s customers. I get great trims … and all those inside tips.


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Jimmy Reed -- Bio and Archives

Jimmy Reed is an Oxford, Mississippi resident, Ole Miss and Delta State University alumnus, Vietnam Era Army Veteran, former Mississippi Delta cotton farmer and ginner, author, and retired college teacher.

This story is a selection from Jimmy Reed’s latest book, entitled The Jaybird Tales.

Copies, including personalized autographs, can be reserved by notifying the author via email (.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)).


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