Is Obama an alien abductee?

When Obamatons aren’t renting their shirts or tearing out their hair in sheer ecstasy over his total wonderfulness, they must occasionally speculate about what made their hero the hero he is. I mean, other than the “pot (that) had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow (cocaine) when you could afford it” that he admitted to in his book.

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I believe I’ve uncovered the answer. Obamatons won’t like it. Nevertheless, the data are persuasive. Barack Obama’s existence has been largely shaped by his experience as an alien abductee. SciFi.com’s Ufology Resource Center includes a very helpful “58 Signs of Alien Abduction,” compiled by Melinda Leslie, a self-described abductee. In question format, several of these signs indisputably apply to Obama. “Have you had a secret feeling that you are somehow ‘special’ or ‘chosen’?” Feeling special for such a long time, Barry’s had trouble keeping it a secret. Obama was in kindergarten when he expressed an interest in being president. In third grade he wrote an essay titled “I want to be president.” People who don’t feel they’re chosen generally don’t say things like, “Every place is Barack Obama country once Barack Obama’s been there.” That third-person affectation is usually a clue. And how special a person must feel to make the preposterous assertions the Illinois senator made after he apparently locked up his party’s nomination. Humbly he pronounced: “I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs for the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation . . .” Incredible. The U.S. had to wait for more than two hundred years, for the Age of Obama to emerge, before its citizens were able to provide care for the sick. Not only that, the redeemer intends to slow the rise of the oceans. Concluding he thinks he’s special is an understatement. Mrs. Barack also buys into his notion of specialness. She’s shared with commoners her insight that “Barack is one of the smartest people you will ever encounter who will deign to enter this messy thing called politics.” That’s deign as in lowering oneself. Another question for alien abductees: “Have you had a strong sense of having a mission or an important task to perform, without knowing from where this compulsion comes?” Barack fits that description, at least the first part, to a tee. Whether he’s ever contemplated the source of his sense is unknown to the peasants he’s deigned to save. One other sign: “Do you have a cosmic awareness - i.e., an interest in ecology, the environment or vegetarianism; or are you very socially conscious?” We all know the answer to that. Obama is going to heal the planet. Moreover, how many other presidential candidates stay on top of the price of arugula? Or even know what it is? Then we come to: “Have you had dreams of destruction or catastrophe?” Another easy one. The presumptive Democratic nominee knows darn well the world can’t survive without him in the White House. The alternative is total calamity. Next up is: “Do you have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures?” Certainly Obama has trust issues with authority figures including President Bush and the Clintons. I’ll bet he also has trouble with the Pope. Obama would like to swipe that His Holiness designation for himself. Then there is: “Do you have an extreme aversion to the subject of UFOs or aliens, a sense that you don’t want to talk about them?” In a debate last October, the late Tim Russert asked candidates if they believed there’s life beyond Earth. Obama switched subjects faster than if he’d been asked about Tony Rezko: “You know, I don’t know. And I don’t presume to know. What I know is there is life here on Earth. And - and that we’re not attending to life here on Earth. We’re not taking care of kids who are alive and unfortunately are not getting health care. We’re not taking care of senior citizens who are alive and are seeing their heating prices go up. So, as president, those are the people I will be attending to first.” So far so good. Typical Democratic boilerplate that appeals to the party’s base. But then he made a crucial slip-up: “There may be some other folks on their way.” What does he know that we don’t? And how does he know it? Many people who report they’ve been abducted by aliens claim a memory loss. Here again the senator fills the bill commendably. In a May TV interview he repeatedly called Matt Lauer “Tim.” In late April, he advised a North Carolina crowd that it was March. He has mentioned there are 57 states. Perhaps his most notable memory loss is the one associated with Reverend Jeremiah Wright. After 20 years, Obama couldn’t remember a single objectionable comment from his former pastor. In similar vein, the candidate appears to have forgotten or misplaced his positions on issues ranging from Iraq to gun control. As I said, the Obamatons won’t like it. Nevertheless, the possibility that their messiah is an alien abductee is strong. Do they truly suppose it’s mere coincidence that Obama took his biggest lead in the polls the very same week that “The X-Files: I Want to Believe” premiered? Just wait until he moves the White House to Roswell, New Mexico. Then it’ll be their turn to believe. Again. This Mike Bates column appeared in the July 31, 2008 Reporter Newspapers.