October 14, 2002
Sliders was a television program that aired on Fox between 1995 and 2000. The show, set in modern day California, was about a group of people who had a device that enabled them to "slide" between parallel earths. Every week they would end up on a different earth where everything, with one or two exceptions, was the same. In one episode, women controlled everything and men were fighting for equal rights to run corporations and play professional sports. In another, dinosaurs still roamed the earth because they had been declared an endangered species. When the sliders were caught not knowing these basic differences, they would always say "we’re from Canada". Not surprisingly, it worked.
We are now on a parallel earth where everything is the same except that Hitler is in power in Germany and Germany is as it was in the late 1930s. The United States is threatening to invade Germany and the Canadian cabinet is meeting to discuss Canada’s position.
Jean Chretien, the Prime Minister: Now what is happening in Germany?
Bill Graham, the Foreign Minister: Well, we have information that the Nazis are planning to invade the Czech Republic, Poland, France and possibly Great Britain. They are rounding up Jews, taking them from their ghettos and sending them to concentration camps. In some parts of the country, there are uprisings in the ghettos.
Chretien: Where do we gets this information from? Is CSIS operating in Germany?
Lawrence MacAulay, the Solicitor General: We have no CEEEEEEEESIS agents operating there. We do have Canadians on contract bringing us the information.
Chretien: Ahh, you have relatives living in Germany?
MacAulay: I don’t remember.
Chretien: Den you must have friends dere.
MacAulay: All of their contracts comply with Treasury Board Guidelines.
Chretien: Save dat crap for Stephen Harper.
Chretien: So are dese people spies?
MacAulay: No, they’re accountants but they’re extremely qualified.
Chretien: Okay, so we’s got information but does we got proof?
Graham: What proof do we need, Prime Minister?
Chretien: Well, ya know, we needs da proof and da proof is da proof and when you have da good proof, it’s proven.
David Collenette, the Transport Minister: Very well put, Prime Minister.
Chretien: Tanks David; I can always count on you.
Graham: We have pictures of the Germans putting Jews on trains and transporting them to concentration camps.
Collenette: Wow, they’re using trains instead of trucks. They truly are a master race. I should go over there and meet my counterpart so we can decide how to get all those trucks off the 401.
Chretien: Later, David
Collenette: Sorry, Prime Minister.
Chretien: What does da Foreign Minister recommend dat we do?
Graham: Well, I’m concerned about these ghetto uprisings. They are causing a lot of damage to the ghetto infrastructure. I think we should urge both sides to show restraint and seek a solution at the United Nations.
Chretien: Dat is good. Does da U.N. have any resolutions?
Graham: There is a resolution before the U.N. condemning that damage.
Chretien: I tink we can support dat one. Especially since today is Wednesday. But will dat affect da Jewish vote?
Elinor Caplan, the Revenue Minister: Who else are they going to vote for? The Canadian Alliance? They’re just a bunch of racists, bigots and holocaust deniers.
Chretien: Ahh, you are always so good for da laugh, Elinor. Now I know why I keep you in da Cabinet. But what is a holocaust?
John Manley: Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Finance: Yeah, the holocaust hasn’t happened yet. Maybe we should refer to them as racists, bigots and monarchists.
Chretien: Dat’s dumb John, but you have a right to say dat in a democracy. And dis Cabinet is democratic.
(chuckles heard throughout the room)
Chretien: So we don’t wants to go to war, because war is not a Canadian value. Canada have no enemies. Just potential immigrants who vote Liberal. But if we have to go, how many troops do we have?
John McCallum, the Defense Minister: We have lots, Prime Minister.
Chretien: How many is lots?
McCallum: It’s a lot. We have lots and lots of troops.
Chretien: I really am smart. I appoints an economist as defense minister and he’s so good with da numbers. De Auditor General won’t get us on dat one.
Chretien: Do we have enough equipment for da troops?
McCallum: We have enough uniforms. We have camouflage uniforms for use in the German desert.
Chretien: Dere’s no deserts in Germany. Dere are nice forests though.
McCallum: I didn’t know that. I didn’t take German geography in school.
Chretien: And if we has to go to war, how’s we going to pay for dat, Paul, er, I mean, John?
Manley: Well, we can’t go into deficit again.
Chretien: And we can’t cut spending. I have to buys my legacy.
Manley: We’ll have to raise taxes then. We could put the GST up to 20 per cent.
Chretien: Dat’s good. See how smart was I, not to abolish the GST like it said in da little red book?
(Prime Minister receives a standing ovation)
Chretien: Okay, so da Nazis are killing people and threatening to invade all of Europe. But is dere a good reason why we should go to war?
David Anderson, the Environment Minister: The Germans are building gas chambers in the concentration camps. It’s only a matter of time before they use them. Not only will that cause major environmental damage, but they’ll never meet their emissions quota under the Kyoto Protocol.
(gasps of horror are heard throughout the room)
Chretien: Dey’s gone too far. Dis will never do. None of dis John Lennon and peace stuff. We’s going to war.
(another standing ovation).
Arthur Weinreb is a lawyer and author and Associate Editor of Canadafreepress.com, he can be reached at: aweinreb@interlog.com
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