December 9, 2002
…The German secret service is about to embark on a new business venture in order to boost its image with the German people. It seems the Bundesnachricktendienst don’t get no respect from the Germans because they have, well, been operating in secret. The agency is planning to open a store that will sell everything from cufflinks to t-shirts to mousepads; 60 items in all, each emblazoned with the BND logo.
According to Britain’s Daily Telegraph, the BND wants to shed its image as "an overly secretive, inaccessible, dull and accident-prone entity." Secretive, inaccessible, dull, accident-prone--they have just described our federal government. And since the feds are going to need a lot of money in the future, especially with the implementation of Kyoto and Roy Romonow’s "$15 million gets you $15 billion" solution to Canada’s health care system, perhaps the government should open a bunch of stores and sell merchandise. The following is a partial list of some of the products that could be offered for sale at "Store Canada".
The Paul Martin Watch
Waterproof and shockproof, this inelegant time piece just keeps running and running and running and running. Buy it quickly --it might change its mind.
The Herb Dhaliwal SUV Collection
Comes in any colour that you want, as long as it’s Liberal red. Minimum purchase: 3. Useful for carrying out necessities of life such as taking your kids to hockey games. As these SUVs are potentially harmful to the environment, sales will be limited to persons who have been members in good standing of the Liberal Party of Canada for the past 10 years.
The Bill Graham "I love Hezbollah" t-shirt
Comes in all sizes with the Hezbollah logo smartly emblazoned on the front. Great for lounging around the house planning terrorist attacks. Ten dollars from every purchase will be donated to Hezbollah, maybe even the social wing.
The John McCallum Shot Glass
Tiny holes on the bottom of the glass allow most of the liquor to seep out, ensuring that you’ll never miss a flight on account of being too drunk to board. A perfect gift for Mom when she invites you over for dinner and a whole lot of drinks.
The Elinor Caplan Bobblehead Doll
You can spend hours of delight watching Elinor’s head constantly bob up and down. Perfect for those occasions when you don’t get to watch Question Period to see the Revenue Minister bobbing her head up and down whenever a fellow Liberal answers a question, no matter how inane the answer is.
The David Collenette Knife
Not the sharpest one in the drawer, this knife comes in both plastic and metal. The plastic knife is fast becoming a collector’s item as it was only in use on aircraft during the Minister’s "I better look like I’m doing something to fight terrorism" period.
The Allan Rock Replica Gun Collection
Each replica is lifelike except for the former Justice Minister’s face plastered on the barrel. A bargain at only $13.99 (plus GST and registration costs of $1,943.00).
The John Manley Stuffed Northern Tiger
Defanged and declawed, it resembles a cute little pussy cat. A perfect companion to the Howard Wilson Lap Dog.
Customers who spend over $50 will receive a free autographed copy of A Really Really Really Short History of Canada by John McCallum.
And for purchases over $100, customers will receive Jane Stewart’s latest video, Creative Accounting Tips, absolutely free.
Arthur Weinreb is a lawyer and author and Associate Editor of Canadafreepress.com, he can be reached at: aweinreb@interlog.com
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