September 15, 2003
Having read Faith Popcorn's predictions of upcoming trends has given me thoughts about the possible careers that the workforce of the future could fulfill. While most predictions of future trends should be taken with a grain of salt, (which, incidentally, goes well with popcorn) I believe that my predictions are truly insightful and reflective of current trends.
Plastic Surgeon - This is a profession that will positively boom over the next two decades as aging Gen-X’ers find their oft-pierced and tattoo-covered bodies begin to stretch and sag. That cute butterfly on Ashley's breast will have turned into a giant dragon descending toward her netherparts. In addition, all the piercings enjoyed by this cohort will likely cause further complications, as breathing will become problematic. The various holes in noses, cheeks, and lips will make breathing quite difficult and will call for a surgical patch-job.
Group Marriage Counselor - As our understanding and acceptance of the evolution of "the family" changes, professionals capable of dealing with increasingly complex personal issues will be required. Same-sex marriage counselors will only be the beginning. There will be the need for specialties, such as same sex--male or female. In addition, the needs will diverge into same sex/minority or same sex/special needs, such as physically challenged. There will also be a need for family counselors where more than two or three adults cohabit as a "family."
Funeral/Suicide Parlor - As a large percentage of the population is now approaching middle and old age, and our health care resources are stretched to the absolute limit, there will come a time when euthanasia will be considered a perfectly viable health care option. As such, to expedite the process and conserve on costs, a whole new category of undertakers will be borne. It will be the ultimate undertaker who will work with clients in planning not only the funeral, but also the death. The possibilities in this field are endless. Imagine being able to choose a "Jim Morrison," "Janis Joplin," or "Krista McAuliffe" departure. The possibilities are endless.
Geneto-Chemical Dietitian - With all the genetically modified foods being developed today, there will be a need for mixed disciplines when it comes to prescribing a healthy diet. Will individuals still show intolerance for genetically modified lactose? How about allergies to genetically modified wheat products or artificial sugars? Will cloned meat be as easy to digest as uncloned? Again, the possibilities are endless and require only a small amount of imagination to see.
Computer Physiotherapist - As more and more individuals go on-line to "work," as many of us do, workplace injuries will eventually evolve into one or two types. The most prevalent will likely be carpal tunnel syndrome, with cervical or thoracic disorders following at a close second. Therapists who specialize in these areas of specialty will be able to write their own tickets to wealth and fame, as traditional workplace injuries disappear and are replaced by these two.
Interpreter - With the gobbledygook that governmental organizations and politically correct groups are spouting these days, I can see a healthy future for those talented individuals who can discern the true meaning of what these people are saying. This will likely become a specialty of individuals who undergo many years of schooling, or who come from these organizations into the private sector specifically to interpret.
Fundraiser - While this is already a very lucrative profession, it is about to get even more so. As governments realize that the tax well has run dry, and tax revenues barely cover the cost of interest payments on the deficit, bold new fundraising initiatives will be required. In addition to the usual homeless people congregating around the liquor store panhandling, there will likely also be fundraisers for the RCMP, or CSIS taking up collections to augment these agencies' budgets. Imagine the military going door to door to canvass for money to pay the troops, with the highway department putting on a telethon to enable them to fill potholes. Professional fundraisers are paid a portion of the amounts they raise, which could create a new class of very respectable professionals whose incomes regularly hit seven figures.
Financial Advisor- As an adjunct to the professional fundraisers, financial advisors will fill the gap left by an exhausted federal program unable to pay pensions to the huge number of aging Baby-Boomers. An astute financial advisor will be worth his or her weight in gold, as advice is dispensed on how to best utilize one's limited resources. "Let's see Mr. and Mrs. Jones, this month we decide whether to pay for medications or eat. A prudent solution could be to approach the solution on a half-and-half basis. You'll have to take only half of your most crucial medications, and you can skip lunch and breakfast on alternate days. That should carry you through to the 22nd of the month. After that, I suggest you have yourselves admitted to the hospital on an emergency basis, which should cover you until month's end." Dispensing these words of fiscal wisdom will ensure smart young financial wizards a job for life.
While so many people today view the future in a pessimistic light, the reality is that new opportunities are created daily that a smart and aggressive individual can turn into a lucrative and lifelong career. All it takes is an entrepreneurial inclination, a little imagination, and a generous helping of cojones to set up shop.