Politically Incorrect

Jean and Saddam--a tale of two biddies

by Arthur Weinreb

March 31, 2003

It seems that many federal Liberal backbenchers will go to great lengths to get noticed. Carolyn Parrish, who expressed her hatred of all Americans, and Colleen "Baghdad" Beaumier, are two who come to mind. The only time that the government ever recognizes backbenchers is when they dare to think about opposing a Chrétien position, in which case the Prime Minister threatens to call a snap election, and then refuses to sign their nomination papers.

Toronto MP Dennis Mills is not above suggesting something outlandish to gain his 15 minutes of backbencher fame. Before the war started, Mills thought it would be a good idea if Jean Chrétien travelled to Baghdad to talk with fellow dictator, Saddam Hussein. The Toronto MP thought that the Boss would be good in that role because Chrétien is "the dean of the G8." What the "dean thing" means is that the littlest guy from Shawinigan has hung around longer than any of the other G8 leaders. To lefties like Mills, Jean Chrétien automatically becomes the dean, based upon seniority, not ability. Perish the thought that ability would play any part on the world stage. If it did, Iraq would probably never get the chance to be in charge of human rights at the United Nations.

Mills also suggested that the PM take Brian Mulroney with him, because of Mulroney’s close association with the Bush family. Brian Mulroney, in case you have forgotten, is the former Prime Minister who sued Jean and the Chrétoonies and collected a cool 2 million after being wrongly accused of taking kickbacks. It’s hardly likely that Mulroney would have gone with Chrétien, but it sounded good. Mulroney’s pro-American and Chrétien’s a Saddmite. That’s fair--that’s Canadian values.

At least Mills’ news making comments weren’t offensive like those of some of his colleagues. And what would have happened if Chrétien had gone to Baghdad and spoken with Saddam? Could war have been averted?

Saddam: Good morning, Jean.
Jean: Allo Saddams, I brought you a present. It’s an Inuit stone carving.
Saddam: Thanks Jean, it looks like it would make a good weapon.
Jean: Dat’s what Aline say. Saddam calls someone over, then hits him over the head, splitting his skull in two.
Jean: Dat’s terrible! Why you do dat?
Saddam: The guy was my transportation secretary. We’re facing an invasion by the Great Satan and all he could do was talk about choo-choo trains. What else could I do, Jean?
Saddam: Jean?
Jean: Sorry, Saddams. I wasn’t paying attention. I was taking notes.
Saddam: So, Jean, how are the girls?
Jean: You mean Aline and France?
Saddam: No. Colleen and Carolyn?
Jean: Who?
Saddam: Colleen Beaumier and Carolyn Parrish.
Jean: Who’s dey?
Saddam: They’re members of your government.
Jean: Don’t know dem. You must be wrong. Den again maybe dere backbenchers.
Jean: So Saddams, why you hang around so long?
Saddam: (chuckles) Look who’s talking.
Jean: Saddams, why you not disarm?
Saddam: I don’t have any weapons of mass destruction. But even if I did, why should I get rid of them?
Jean: Well, you know, Resolution 1441. If you don’t, dere will be serious consequences.
Saddam: What kind of serious consequences?
Jean: Anudder resolution.
Saddam: (laughs)
Saddam: Jean, you can’t accuse me of having weapons without proof. And as a wise man once said, "the proof is the proof and when you have the good proof, it’s proven."
Jean: What a stupid ting to say. I don’t gets it.
Saddam: Who does?
Saddam: So Jean, if the Great Satan attacks, are you going to join them?
Jean: Well, dey haven’t attacked yet--it hypothetical.
Saddam: Well, I know that you are best friends with little Bush and the infidels.
Jean: No, dat not true. Kofi Annan is my best friend. As my government has said many times, we are completely independent from de moron and dose bastards.
Saddam: So you are not allied with the United States?
Jean: Nope, the United Nations won’t let me be.
Saddam: That’s good Jean.
Jean: So Saddams, how many weapons do you have?
Saddam: I only have the weapons that Hans Blix has found.
Jean: Dat’s what I thought.
Saddam: So you go back to Canada and be sure and tell everyone that.
Jean: Well, I’m not back dere yet. So dat’s hypothetical. But if I go back, I’ll tell them Saddam. After all, Canada has no better friend than, er, uh, Iraq.
Saddam: That’s right Jean. We in Iraq like Canada, because of your multicultural values. You allow people to do what they did in their own country.
Jean: Dat’s right Saddams
Saddam: So, will you join me in an Iraqi custom?
Jean: Certainly Saddams. I would be glad too.

The meeting ends with Saddam and Jean, jumping up and down and shouting "Death to America, death to America."