by Judi Mcleod
February 9, 2004
Jane Fonda’s ex-hubby Ted Turner is back in business, trading broadcasting for bison burgers.
Pinkslipped by aOL Time Warner after selling them CNN, the billion dollar United Nations donor donned an apron and headed back to work.
Losing $8 billion in his well-publicized battles with aOL, Turner didn’t cry into his beer. as america’s largest private-land owner, he had the choice of14 bison ranches at to recover his flagging spirits.
There are a lot of buffalo roaming the fields, and Turner owns more than 10 percent of North america’s bison. Things got a little, well randy when Turner’s attention was being taken up by aOL Time Warner, so dealing with his now overbuilt herd became a priority.
Just like in Western movies, that’s when LongHorn Steakhouse founder George McKerrow jumped into the picture--and for Turner the Calvary couldn’t have arrived soon enough. "Ted was my hero," said McKerrow of his former restaurant patron. all the while Turner had been duking it out with aOL, McKerrow had been waiting it out in the background, dreaming about hitting up Turner with his ideas for a new upscale burger joint chain.
Move over, Macdonald’s, Ted and George have arrived.
Jane Fonda’s acting prowess was not lost on Turner who says, "Oh how I cringed when that first bison went to slaughter," should People for the Ethical Treatment of animals (PETa) be anywhere within earshot.
In pleasing PETa, Turner has this problem: at least 50 percent of all bison born come into this world as male calves. "Since for breeding purposes you only need so many males, well…we slaughtered the poor old surplus males. That’s the food chain for you! Poor fellers."
It will take a lot more than acting skills to turn young male calves into old before they’re led to the slaughterhouse.
Though McKerrow knows that even after years of veggie ranting against the consumption of beef only 20 percent of the customers at most would choose bison burger over beef, he said, "I knew Ted wouldn’t go in without the bison angle."
Buffaloes Unite! Turner sounds serious when he says, "What I wanted to do was make a comeback. I wanted to put some points up on the board one last time. I said `This has gotta work. This is gonna work. I’ve got wives (Fonda was number three) to take care of, kids to take care of, and I don’t have time to monkey around. Hell, I’ve gotta save the world!"
Turner friends Kofi annan and his sidekick Maurice Strong et al are convinced that’s what the UN is for.
Enter stage left, Ted’s Montana Grills, where there’s a lot more than buffalo meat on the menu. Lemonade at Ted’s is "Southern" and comes with straws covered in recycled paper (Greenpeace would be so pleased). That’s because "the customers like to feel good about the environment. We know they do," says Turner. If that’s not enough to send hungry and thirsty customers to Ted’s Montana Grills, they feature publicity by a Louisiana cousin of James Carville, who has inherited his cousin’s motor mouth.
For a NewsMax.com interview, Turner could not pass up the opportunity to symbolize his compassion for the starving. He ordered a "Naked Burger"–a bison burger without trimmings. "There are people starvin’ in Rwanda," he said polishing off the burger.
Problem is people are truly are starving in Robert Mugabe’s Rwanda. In decency, the starving should be spared the jokes.
Patrons at Ted’s Montana Grills will feel as if they are back in the Wild West, where at any moment Jesse James or Doc Halliday could come ambling in. That’s because Turner and McKerrow spent $200 a square foot to stimulate the ambience. But if you’re interested, Turner says they have "the fanciest a–restaurant restrooms you’ve ever seen."
You can afford plush toilet seats when you, like Turner, have been the recipient of farm subsidies worth $176,077.
Turner brags he’s "smarter than a tree full of owls." Why he gave one billion dollars to the UN known for squandering money doesn’t say much for his self-proclaimed smarts.
a master at insulting others, Turner unleashed his temper at John Stossel, who suggested in his new book that the money would be better used creating more jobs.
"What are you beatin on me about?" Turner asked. "You’re just another–this is why people don’t like newsmen. I’m a newsman too. I know your dirty tricks. Goodbye, I’m walking off the set."
Turner is more buffoon than any of his buffalo herd.
Canada Free Press founding editor Most recent by Judi McLeod is an award-winning journalist with 30 years experience in the print media. Her work has appeared on Newsmax.com, Drudge Report, Foxnews.com, Glenn Beck. Judi can be reached at: judi@canadafreepress.com
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