by arthur Weinreb, associate Editor,
May 24, 2004
I’m Dalton McGuinty and I’m the premier of Ontario. I’m not just the premier--I’m the education premier. I do not call myself the education premier just so that people can tell the difference between me and Greg Sorbara, who is usually referred to as the real premier. I’m the education premier because I know how to educate young people so that they will grow up to be good Liberal semi-productive citizens of Ontario. all you have to do to succeed in life is to listen to me and follow my advice.
I know that many of you have trouble with your parents from time to time. You go out after promising mom and dad that you will be home at 11:00 p.m. and then you breeze in around 3:00 a.m.. Not a problem. You simply tell them that you really meant 11:00 a.m. the next morning and you were home on time. It worked for me. I promised the voters of Ontario that I wouldn’t raise their taxes and then I raised just about everything that wasn’t nailed down. So I said that what I meant was I wasn’t going to raise your "income" taxes. When you tell them that you meant 11 a.m. your parents will be mad at you for awhile, but they’ll soon forget about it. after all, your parents live in Ontario.
Now, what do you do if your parents find marijuana in your room? That’s an easy one. You just blame your older brother who had the room before you did. Tell your parents that it was his fault--he left it there. after all, he had the room for a lot longer than you did. Remember to remind them that you were given the room to live in--not to clean up your brother’s room. It worked for me. I blame everything that is wrong in Ontario on the former Harris/Eves government. Your parents will be mad at you for awhile but they’ll eventually forget about it. Your parents after all, live in Ontario.
What will you do if your parents actually catch you smoking marijuana? Just promise that you will never smoke it again. and when they catch you another time, tell them that you aren’t smoking marijuana--you’re smoking grass. Grass is not the same as marijuana. after all, grass is only one syllable. It worked for me. I told everyone that I wouldn’t lower their taxes, but I wouldn’t raise them either. Then I dinged them all for a health care "premium". You see, a premium is not a tax. Just because it increases with your income and is collected the same way income taxes are collected does not mean it’s a tax. I hope you are starting to see how this works. Your parents will be really mad at you when you do this, but they will eventually forget about it. after all, your parents are Ontarians.
and what do you do if you are afraid to go to school because you will be attacked by bullies? That’s an easy one. You go out and get a gun and blow away all the potential trouble makers. after you do that, your school will be safe. It worked for me. I had to save our health care system so that everyone in Ontario can get the medical care that they need without having to pay for it. So, I de-listed all the services performed by chiropractors, physical therapists and optometrists. That means that people now have to pay for those medical services, but I saved enough money to provide free medical care for everybody. You see how that works? People will be mad at you for doing that, but they will eventually forget about it. after all, this is Ontario.
If I can teach you just one thing, it is that you never ever have to keep your promises. It worked for me. When someone gets mad at you for breaking a promise all you have to do is say "It was the right thing to do". Okay, now I want you to write that out 1,000 times so that you won’t forget it. It was the right thing to do…it was the right thing to do… If you continue to break your promises, people will get mad at you, but not for long. after all this is Ontario. and, besides, breaking promises is the right thing to do.
If you follow my advice you will do well. You may even grow up to become a Liberal premier of Ontario. and I wouldn’t lie to you.
Because I’m Dalton McGuinty.
I’m the education premier.