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Satire: Hugh Betcha Interviews President Biden on Immigration

Biden and Cackles Doing a Good Job of Not Protecting the Border



In an effort to explain his refusal to protect the southern border of the United States from the torrent of illegal immigrants, drugs, and the spread of violence that has cost the lives of United States citizens, President Biden summoned “The Most Trusted Name in the News 2023,” Canada Free Press’ own Hugh Betcha, for an exclusive interview in the Oval Office. Hugh, Chief of the International Desk of the Stoos Views worldwide media conglomerate, a man who walks with kings and princes (but bowing to none), caught a quick flight from Wynstone, South Dakota--where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds--and flew into Foggy Bottom. Ushered into the President’s office after a short ride in the Presidential limousine, Hugh settled down for a frank discussion with the President on the troublesome issue of illegal immigration and Texas’ attempt to stanch the flow of illegals, drugs and violence that has plagued the state and the country.

The President seemed to be a bit foggy during the interview--which was atypical. Normally at ease with his former drinking buddy--Hugh Betcha--the President was uncharacteristically defensive. His Vice President, Kamala “Cackles” Harris did not attend—having been sent on an important fact finding trip to study the mating habits of the Poisonous Leopard Frog in Tanzania.

“I told that Governor ‘what’s his name’ that I would not protect the borders and neither should he,” Biden said, sternly. “I do not want the world to think we are inhospitable racists. I want the world to like us. It is more important to be liked than respected, after all. If anyone is not going to protect the borders, it is I. As President I have the exclusive right to do nothing to protect the county and I am doing a good job at it.” So is my Vice President Camelia—she is doing a great job not protecting the border. In fact she is the best person in government at doing nothing to protect the border.

“Mr. President did you mean to say Kamala?”

“C’mon man! Kamala, Camelia…who cares? Stop the Malarkey!”

“But aren’t the illegals causing a tremendous drain on the economy, medical resources and law enforcement down there?” Hugh asked.

“Please do not use that word,” the President replied curtly.

“What word?”

Illegal. It is mean spirited.”

“What then?”

“I prefer undocumented,” the President said.

“But these undocumented aliens are wreaking havoc on the states, and you have done nothing to protect them.”

“Please do not use such language in here.”

“What?” Hugh asked.

Aliens. That sounds so harsh. We do not use such language here. They are persons from places other than the United States. Again, I have instructed all federal employees and appointees never to use such language. It may well offend someone.”


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“Well the point being Mr. President, that if you do nothing to protect the borders, then we face a serious threat not only from the undocumented persons from places other than the United States but also Muslin terrorists. They can easily sneak across our southern border now.”

“Once again, please do not use such language.”

“You mean…”

“Yes, Muslim terrorists.”

“But, weren’t the guys who bombed New York Muslim terr---“

“--No, they are disagreeable people of another faith who want to hurt us. I will issue an Executive Order to this effect effective immediately.”

“Okay Mr. President, but the original point here is this: you do not want the Governor of Texas to protect his state from the flood of undocumented persons from places other than the United States and disagreeable people of another faith who want to hurt us, right?”

“Correct. Such action is preempted by federal law. The non-protection of the southern border and our citizens is the exclusive province of the federal government.”

“But if you do not act--“

“We might, and we have the right to or not to--not the state.”

“But what if you don’t act?”

“Well, we might someday.”

“In the meantime, people are flooding our borders, drugs are streaming into the country, you are allowing millions of illegal aliens to enter the country and the resources of this country are being drained. You spend more protecting Ukraine than your own country.”

“Collateral damage,” replied the President.

What?

“Collateral damage--we must break some eggs in order to make an omelet. Immigration is what makes this country great. I am loathe to stop it.”

“Why?”

“Because you see these folks streaming across the borders illegally as a threat to the country. I see those folks differently.”

“How do you see them?”

Future Democrats.”



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William Kevin Stoos -- Bio and Archives

Copyright © 2020 William Kevin Stoos
William Kevin Stoos (aka Hugh Betcha) is a writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in the Liguorian, Carmelite Digest, Catholic Digest, Catholic Medical Association Ethics Journal, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Social Justice Review, Wall Street Journal Online and other secular and religious publications.  He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status. His book, The Woodcarver (]And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was released in July of 2009. It can be purchased though many internet booksellers including Amazon, Tower, Barnes and Noble and others. Royalties from his writings go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.


“His newest book, The Wind and the Spirit (Stories of Faith and Inspiration)” was released in 2011 with all the author’s royalties go to support the Carmelite sisters.”


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