by arthur Weinreb, associate Editor,
May 17, 2004
The United States is still reeling from the release of pictures showing the abuse of prisoners being held at abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Clearly something has to be done and this is one area where Canada could be of great assistance. We could send Lucie McClung, the Commissioner of Corrections Canada, to Iraq to run all the prisons. and we wouldn’t have to think of it as supporting the americans and the coalition in a war. Much as it is in Canada, the running of Iraqi prisons would be classified as a humanitarian peacekeeping mission.
U. S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently appeared before an appropriations committee to ask for a further $25 billion to support the war. Well, Don, you’ll just have to go back and ask for more because our Lucie doesn’t come cheap. Between 2001 and 2003, McClung spent approximately $142,000 in travel costs. although she travels a great deal, she apparently doesn’t like long flights and manages to stop over for a couple of days in Hawaii or Miami before completing the last leg of her trip. On one of her three recent trips to Hong Kong, the purpose of which was never made quite clear, she spent two days in Waikiki and billed the Canadian taxpayers $822 for food and lodging on the island paradise. It may take her a little while to get to Iraq, but when she does, the americans’ problems will be over. actually, the Canadian government should pay to send her to Iraq--it’ll save us poor taxpayers a bundle in the long run.
Corrections Canada has recently instituted a pilot project whereby tattoo parlours will be opened up in some federal penitentiaries. The theory is that prisoners are determined to get tattoos so rather then let them risk hepatitis and aIDS and spread those diseases to the community in which they will all be undoubtedly released into shortly, the government wants inmates to be able to get tattooed safely and professionally. In light of the fact that the Canadian government pays for the medical expenses of all those who might become diseased on the outside, the idea half makes sense.
Now it is unlikely that there will be a great demand for tattoos in Iraqi prisons, but some of the boys might want to make bombs. Lucie could set up bomb-making factories so the weapons could be made in a safe manner and the finished product would comply with Canadian standards. after all, there can be nothing worse than a suicide bomber going off before his time and taking unintended victims with him.
If McClung ran the Iraqi prisons, incidents of putting women’s panties on detainees’ heads would be a thing of the past. all women’s clothes would be used for the purpose that they are supposed to serve in a prison--the fashion show. Iraqi prisoners should be allowed to participate in fashion shows the same way that inmates of the Montreal area penitentiary did a couple of years ago when the show featured schoolgirl killer Karla Homolka. If we treated Iraqis like Canadian prisoners maybe they wouldn’t hate us so much.
Inmates of minimum security prisons, on those occasions when they have been very very good, are allowed to use their own money to order take out food. The only drawback to this is that drugs can be hidden in the food. The only way drugs can be detected is by using dogs and as one correctional officer put it, if you put a pizza in front of a dog, the dog will eat it. Since we don’t worry too much about drugs entering Canadian prisons, why worry about what the Iraqis smoke and snort.
The Iraqi inmates can be kept busy as they are in Canada and watch satellite television all day long. It’s pretty difficult to plan a jihad while watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.
Come to think of it, there will still be problems. The inmates will cry abuse when the takeout food happens to contain pork. Unlike Canada where inmates are suing the federal government because Corrections Canada cut soft porn from their TV package, Iraqis will sue if they end up being exposed to porn, soap operas or the Jerry Springer show. and they’ll long for the days of Saddam Hussein if they are humiliated by being forced to watch scantily-clad women put on fashion shows. These complaints would be sure to spoil Lucie’s day no matter which beach she happens to be on.
at least the Canadian taxpayers will no longer have to pay for all those cheesies and potato chips that Lucie bills them. The americans can have that pleasure.