Yep, the "Dear Leader" of North Korea, Kim Jong Il, feeling a little bit of heat, what with the US economic sanctions for his activities in counterfeiting hundred dollar bills and his money laundering through that doggone Macau bank, has hopped aboard his secretive armored train and hustled off to see his one ally, at least the only that that'll listen to his rant, China.
Like Joe Stalin before him, Kim doesn't like to fly. He prefers the comfort and security which only a good old fashioned solid steel-plated train can afford him.
That is not to say that Stalin didn't try flying, he did once, but a spate of bad weather left him white knuckled. and as he gripped the seat and stared into the void I'm also sure that he wondered a good deal about the loyalty of the pilot. after all, how many KGB guards can you put in the cockpit of a Soviet copy of a DC-3? So he settled back into life on the tracks like Strelnikov in Pasternak's Doctor Zhivago. You can have whole railcars full of guards on a train, and with enough slave labor available, you can build entire private rail lines.
Hitler, that other relatively successful dictator, had armored trains, but loved to fly. He enjoyed plunging out of the sky in his private Lufhansa passenger plane at any airport he wanted and nosing around. Of course he also had the crew call ahead to procure a larger security detail than the plane carried and to work up the commensurate crowds.
Let's see, what would Kim's armored VIP train entail? He enjoys movies, especially anime, so he'd have a projection car loaded up with his favorite Daffy Duck cartoons, of which he is said to have a huge collection. In comparison, Joe Stalin loved Busby Berkeley musicals, while Hitler enjoyed light comedy.
"The Peerless Leader," as Kim is hailed by his hagiographers, loves to throw down expensive imported liquor, so there'd be a plush club car replete with an endless supply of Hennessy VSOP, his favorite toss. But we can also be sure that there's be a sweet selection of other rare imported grog for his choosing, for there could be nothing more unnerving or final for a tyrant's bartender to answer, "Sorry, sir, we're out", to this dictator's demand for a short snort.
Since all the photographs of Kim clearly indicate his predilection for numerous and variegated khaki outfits, I'm sure that there's a pretty good sized car load of dictatorial get ups, right for any occasion. Unlike the British custom of black ties for dinner, I'm sure Kim tosses on a special suit of tans for evening wear. However, due to Kim's diminutive size, you can bet that he probably totes a good sized batch of platform shoes around with him, and wears whatever pair will give him the least difference in height with that of his host. Included in this car will be a sizeable selection of pomade to insure that his hair is spiked perfectly. and of course there are racks for the uniforms of army field marshal, fleet admiral, or what ever military garb a keen dictator would like to suit up in, privately or socially, for pleasure or for the reviewing stand.
Since Kim is noted for his sexual prowess, while unwholesome rumors swirl about his kidnappings of beautiful peasants and actresses alike, a la Lavrenti Beria, a victim of similar crass Soviet tastes, there'll no doubt be a private comfort car for the leader's pleasure, while on the rails.
Since he is purported to have written at least six operas, I'll bet that the cars are pretty well wired up with Bang & Olufsen components or some other high-end imported brand of stereo gear to insure that the proper audio flux density is maintained for the "Great Successor's" pleasure throughout the train.
I'll also lay money on the fact that Kim has a library car. after all is said and done, what dictator worth his salt doesn't want to sit and look through large format picture books about other dictators while he's on the road. You know, to pick up ideas he might have overlooked.
"Hmmm, let's see. Oh, yes. My, those SS men are slick. They sure look good at the Berghof waiting for Mussolini. No, Mussolini's outfit looks cheap. That's why I like khaki. Yep, Ghengis Khan's family picinic looks like a wild time, I should have one. No, I've gotta watch out for the security angle. Yeah, Joe Stalin's train looks especially neat with all the anti-aircraft guns and guards riding on top. No, wait, I have missiles, guns are not effective any more, but they do look awfully good, though. Gee, Leonid Brezhnev could sure put on a parade in Red Square. Wow, those Tiger tanks sure look good churning through Russia. I like Mao's hat. Tojo's parades all look so cheesy. Castro looks dopey in green." Kim could kill a lot of travel time with the books.
Then there are the meetings with the staff and the doubts, which must be suppressed. Who gets off the train first? When does Kim appear? How does Kim wave to the masses? Do the americans finally mean business? Will a Clinton be elected and put us back on easy street again? Will Madeline albright bring us more free loans and nuclear plans? Will Sandy Burger bring us documents in his socks? Will I have to touch them? ah, the vexations of being Kim Jong Il.
This train must look great on satellite photos. a long monstrosity of an armored train, replete with defensive missile systems, cooking cars and laundries, ponderously pounding along an empty track in the dark of night, dead heading out of the people's wasteland of North Korea bound for China, a huge heat bloom blowing out in the infrared across a cold barren background.
and inside a small man, outfitted in khaki, sipping a double Hennessy, bathed in soft warm lighting, after kicking off his uncomfortable thick-soled shoes, is watching a cartoon on a 60 inch plasma screen, while two heavily armed and uniformed soldiers stand perpetual guard in the dimly lit hallway.
Does the Dear Leader, the genius for all times and for all ages, like so many of us, mimic Daffy Duck?
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