In Germany during World War I, in an effort to come up with an additional way to generate needed war revenue, to supplement the usual bonds, community collections and sponsorships, somebody hatched an idea to sell nails. Sold for relatively exhorbitant prices, these nails could then, with some level of fanfare, be driven into a massive wooden image of Field Marshal von Hindenburg. Interestingly, some wag quickly quipped that the likeness of the Marshal resembled a wooden titan. The name stuck.
Unfortunately the war ended before the wooden facsimile could be turned into a man of iron with the addition of a few tens of thousands of nails.
al Gore, Bill Clinton's former Vice President, self-styled internet founder and the alleged model for Erich Segal's Love Story, is slated to give a serious speech on the NSa brouhaha and the constitutional questions surrounding this vital program at Constitutional Hall in Washington, D.C., in the company of former U.S. Representative Bob Barr.
al, baby, we hardly know ye, Constitutional scholar? So, what have you been up to lately?
We knew you were on the green stump for awhile, drumming for the Kyoto Treaty for all and sundry. But the passage of time has poked a few holes in that lofty covenant. Since President Bush refused to sign that piece of doggerel, which would have cost us billions and tied yet another sea anchor to our economy, carbon dioxide emissions have gone down in the US, while the discharge of the same noxious gas has increased in those old pals of yours, France, Germany and Spain, who signed your dream contract and promised not to cheat. What gives?
So, what's cooking with that madcap alternative television caper you dreamed up, the, uh, what's it called, Current TV? We all hoped for something really souped-up for today's brave new world, a stunner for the avant-garde, but it looks like more of the same tired old liberal bunkum dressed in a designer web site, and like the america you left us, weak on science and math.
Sure, there's a blurb from Sean Penn, fresh from his near death episode of drowning in New Orlean's toxic sludge in his poorly launched boat episode in the Hurricane Katrina rush for publicity and a really nice photo of Robert Redford, but al, you can get the same pictures and duplicate blather from the covers on the magazine stand waiting to pay for your groceries without having to wrestle the remote away from the dogs and dialing up satellite TV.
Prior to your discourse on a topic which has tongue-tied lesser men, I hope that you've spent some time brushing up on your delivery. The stilted Wallace and Grommit style of claymation intonation has got to go. In order to make sense in an abstruse and cryptic discussion of constitutional jurisprudence, you've got to lighten up and get a little giddy. The folks'll go for you if you can reach out and touch them. Shy away from the haughty, I've been everywhere and I've done everything sort of delivery, from having slept on a Wisconsin dairy farm to having hoed and cut tobacco in a blizzard.
Be especially careful of some of your past elocutional gaffes, like promising to restore the rule of law and respect for common sense to the White House, your concern about the dishonesty for public officials, and your claim to fire any governmental official who lies to the US Congress. You've got to watch out for other tragi-comic miscues like the one where you were surrounded by saffron robed monks accompanied by Dunchen horns and cymbals and you said you didn't realize you were in a Buddhist temple and where you sagely noted that voting Republican was like Hollywood snubbing Howard the Duck for an Oscar.
al, as you begin to discuss the US Constitution and its role in the use of the NSa at home, especially in a post 9/11 america, I'm sort of hoping that you might, for just a moment or two, reflect on your own administration's use of the NSa, especially in the elephantine Echelon and Carnivore programs, and explain to the american people, if you would, just to clear the air, how many of us popped up on the NSa grid, why, and how that data was used and for how long it was stored. Your honesty in this matter would go a long way in setting our minds at ease and removing another bit of suspicion from an administration which to many, al, has seemed a bit, in the wake of the Randy Weaver shootings, all the Waco folderol and the Elian Gonzalez lassoing, laissez-faire with personal freedom on occasion.
al Gore now claims to say that he's something of an expert on the determination of controlling legal authority, just as he now claims to understand the true value of the US Constitution, having learned of its value in the operations of his former administration in the company of his erstwhile compadre and fellow Constitutional scholar, Bill Clinton.
Bill, unfortunately, suffered a blooper or two of his own on his way to glory, what with the perjury deal and the loss of his law license and the Ms. Lewinsky finger pointing flub on national TV. Still Bill skated on the impeachment rap and ended up on easy street. Perhaps al should emulate his laid back speaking proficiency and his aw-shucks Nipsy Russell style of delivery.
Monday, another wooden titan will ascend the rostrum to discuss vital Constitutional issues, casting wooden eyes and tilting wooden ears to the former activities of his own administration and paying no attention to the shared misdeeds of his past. and again, there will be no transmogrification of wood into iron.
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