Rather than tip-toeing around Iran like the Democrats prefer, with our socks worn on the outside of our shoes, Howard Dean style, I'm recommending that Project Pluto be re-opened, re-funded, put back on track and that Iran be welcomed into the great uproarious and knee slapping group of nuclear armed countries.
No, the Pluto I'm talking about is not that hazy cartoon character, the venerable honking side kick of Mickey, Minnie and Goofy--that notorious back yard lounge lizard whose many adventures kept us all enthralled throughout so much of our childhoods.
No, mates, this Pluto is not part of the Muslim enraging world of animation at all. Project Pluto was the US Defense Department R&D program from the late 1950s and the 1960s which was charged with the design and construction of a nuclear powered ramjet propelled cruise missile, capable of a Mach 4 cruising speed, which, with a fighting weight approaching that of a steam locomotive, featured a level of survivability approaching that of a bucket of cement and was nicknamed the "flying crowbar" by its aficionados
Like today's cruise missiles, Pluto was designed to operate at low altitudes, below enemy radar, and being powered by nuclear fuel, its range was out of sight. Envisioned for operations deep within the Soviet Union, it was designed to loiter for long periods over the Pacific, and then dive towards its targets, directed by the same terrain recognition system used by today's modern cruise missiles.
Because the efficiency of a ramjet engine varies directly with the temperature of the incoming air, the nuclear reactor was the perfect instrument for pouring super-heated air into the engine. Pluto could've flown, but he lost the early race to the ICBMs, the submarines and the bean counters--and to those who worried about where he'd fly to and how he'd hang around a certain yard.
But today, I think that Pluto is the perfect answer to those mullahs with the mushroom clouds dancing in their heads. and the vast deserts of Iraq make the perfect place for getting Project Pluto back on his feet. Having experienced its first teething troubles at Site 401, also known as Jackass Flats, in the bleak treeless wilderness of the Nevada Test Site, the equally empty border areas directly adjacent to Iran make sense for a number of reasons.
First of all, the prevailing winds will blow the radioactive dust generated from the test program back into Iran, giving the mullahs, Mr ahmadinejad and the radicals an early, important and gritty taste of their own medicine.
Secondly, when launched, the Mach 4 Pluto will deposit a dense radioactive contrail from its unshielded reactor as it flies, and it is suggested that the missile, after dropping its payload of either nuclear or conventional weapons on selected targets, fly in lengthy zig-zag patterns over the Iranian nuclear sites and government offices--releasing a lethal cloud of radiation over bunkers, state television stations, parking lots, support facilities, power stations, automobile dealerships, airports, heavy water plants, swimming pools, gaseous diffusion plants, toney resorts catering to the mullahs and the hotels under construction for the arrival of the 12th Imam.
Thirdly, the incredible noise generated by its ramjet, some 150 decibels-- and next to the Saturn V rocket, one of man's noisiest inventions--when combined with its continual sonic boom, is said to cause instant and permanent deafness to those unfortunate enough to find themselves in its baleful path. It's said to be louder than an al Gore rant, heard from the first row with a cheap red wine hangover while sitting in the midst of a group of Green activists.
Lastly, in addition to its lethal payload of weaponry, its plume of deadly radioactivity and its unholy level of sheer deafening noise, Pluto's sonic shock wave will knock down small buildings, overturn automobiles, smash windows, topple antennas, rip minarets from mosques, blow dulbands from the heads of men in market places, shred flags, plow furrows in the soft ground and scatter the live stock for many kilometers, if they're not already cooked in the barnyard from previous flybys.
With Iran turning out nuclear bombs like King Oscar cans sardines nowadays, it's definitely the time to start this ambitious project.
We already have a massive military presence in Iraq, larger than the initial project had in Nevada. We're spending far more money on all aspects of the war in Iraq than we ever spent on Project Pluto. Our military will provide us with top notch security. What with the fall-out and the fissile materials involved in the set-up and testing and all, nobody's going to want to sneak around the site. and if they do, we can either chuck them in the can or coax them into watching the experiments with us, outside the six foot thick concrete bunkers, of course. and we have the technology already--the successful experiments and the operating systems are in the box already to go.
We spent 260 million dollars on this entire project. Today this money buys you a single F-22 Raptor fighter plane.
Let's can the cheap cheesy rhetoric, put the days of appeasement behind us, kick the Europeans in the shins, throw a party welcoming the Iranians to the atom club, start Project Pluto the same day and build about twenty of these sleek nuclear powered ram-jets--with their flight paths programmed for every single part of the Iranian nuclear program that we can identify. and then invite Mr ahmadinejad and his top mullahs by for a cocktail and a live demonstration of Pluto's capabilities--over Iran, of course.
Let Pluto do the walking through their yellow pages. Maybe Iran would like to buy some. Just think of the rather messy and noisome loiter time over their airspace.
(For those interested in more stuff on Project Pluto, see The Flying Crowbar by Greg Herken from air and Space Magazine at www.merkle.com/pluto/pluto.html )
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