I was shocked, shocked to learn that a counterfeiter, recently uncovered in West Hollywood, was having some relative success in peddling bogus billion dollar bills while Al-Jazeera, the noted liberal television voice, was experiencing some difficulties in cracking the US cable television market.
Imagine the surprise on the face of the cashier at Ed's Coffee Shop when some dude proffers a billion dollar bill for Adam and Eve on a raft, hash browns, a sprig of curly leaf parsley, two cups of Joe and a piece of pecan pie and says, "Keep the change." Watch as her dreams of paradise--a white washed home in Malibu, an Aston Martin in the driveway, a whole rack of surf boards, a refrigerator full of Tecates, a guest house full of boy toys-- melt away when the kindly Secret Service agent in the cowboy hat patiently explains that the money, like that used in the Monopoly game, is of the toy variety, that she and Ed have been taken for a short ride and that the breakfast plate in question has been a small donation to the suspect. The scofflaw, who has since pleaded guilty to a raft of violations, is resting comfortably in Federal custody.
Al-Jazeera, on the other hand, is not resting quite as cozily and they're having far less success with their equally spurious product--the peddling of violent anti-West sentiments with a pro-Islamist view, the bundling of graphic depictions of American dead, papering over of fact with the madcap and murderous pronouncements of Osama bin-Laden, spicing of pita bread with a heady leavening of the ravings of al-Zawahiri and al-Zarqawi, the operation of a 24-hour mail drop for the video tapes of beheadings and ritual murders from any Islamist murderer worth his salt, operating as the private public relations firm of al-Qaeda--and its US marketing.
Unlike the billion dollar bills afloat in Los Angeles, Al-Jazeera has picked up a big name in the marketing and journalism angle in one David Frost, or is it Sir David Frost--the Queen must be so proud.
Yep, David Frost has signed on with that megaphone of madness to lend it, as the hopelessly blind toffs in the New York Times and the plastic liberal trumpets on CNN say, "gravitas." And he joins those two Mercury's of the airwaves, the one-time fly-by-Nightline interviewer David Marash and Will Stebbins, who was spirited away from Associated Press TV News, such as it was, to act as Al-Jazeera's Bureau Chief in America, where he's said to be an expert on trends and some other really important stuff.
It has been reported that Marash, in a recent interview, has stated that the big problem that CNN faces is their clumsy attempts to remain neutral in presenting the news--one that he hopes to avoid. Sakes alive, if Mr. Marash honestly believes that the mish-mash of Democratic talking points, undisguised Democratic campaign rhetoric, outlandish liberal hogwash, categorical DNC position papers, the outright partisan support for all Democratic candidates and the vile denunciations of everything Republican which masquerade as news on CNN is neutral, I can well imagine the objectivity he'll attempt to cloak that paragon of honesty Al-Jazeera in.
To get off on the right foot with the listening public in America, and drag them into the watching and listening orbit with a quick sale to, you know, utter commoners like mom and dad, the old football coach, the military families, the folks next door, cops on the beat, the fire fighters at the local station, working families, the old and infirm, gold star mothers, church goers, English speakers, car salesmen, honest lawyers and the like, David has announced that sometimes, "there are various countries in the Middle East who think it's too pro-Western." A more ringing endorsement of Al-Jazeera's objectivity than I've ever heard.
And Donald Rumsfeld echoes Sir David on that one, alleging that, now and then, Al-Jazeera engages in the spreading of "vicious lies" and such, when they're not peddling the unvarnished truth, the gospel according to Osama bin-Laden, the close-ups of the latest terrified kidnap victims and their eventual beheading.
The new line that the US staff is quick to peddle--as they grovel before the networks, cable providers, satellite systems, banking institutions, news outlooks where they're looking for a fair shake in their quest for acceptance and all the other big-wigs and bonzen loose on the American broadcast landscape--is that they are independent of the boyos in main office in Qatar.
But who can say how far this independence really goes. After all is said and done, they always teach you in business school to watch the money. Who cuts the paychecks? Are they coming from Qatar? Or is the money for the NY checks coming from Qatar? And if so, just like the Feds telling the nut cases at Yale that yes, they need to let the military recruiters on campus to keep the national treasure flowing, that I suspect that the nutcases in Qatar may tell the boyos in NY to perhaps, on rare occasions, to, well, pony up and follow the corporate line. Just like the giddy high-school kids at CNN and the rollicking lads at NBC are sometimes forced to do.
I mean even David Gregory, when he's not on the lam or having some sort of prolonged breakdown in an unpronounceable Indian hideaway, has to toe the company line sometimes. Even David.
A new battle cry will soon issue from America's living rooms, "To hell with Fox, what does Al-Jazeera say?" And the horse's mouth will be replaced by the camel's mouth. TiVos will be set to record executions in Jedda along with I Dream of Jeannie.
But in the end it is Al-Jazeera and I'll bet you that if you turn off the sound it'll look just like the old Al-Jazeera, with all the burning US flags, the Arabic writing writ large, the handsome shots of Mr Ahmadinejad, the keen snaps of Mr. Jimmy Carter shaking hands with Mr. Arafat in an endless loop, clips of Mr. Gore endlessly maligning America at high pitch, a smiling Mr. Clinton in Dubai and burning US vehicles.
The added twist will feature Mr. Frost in a blazer and ascot, sporting jodhpurs or puttees, riding boots or Uggs--whatever the hell he likes-- interviewing men in fez's, folks in burkhas, guys in turbans, all set to a snappy score and with better lighting than that found in the grainy, dirty poorly lit rooms used for beheadings--old Al-Jazeera's prime time staple.
But if you turn off the picture it'll sound like the guy passing that billion dollar bill to the waitress at the register. Only this time he'll say, "No change."
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