Sometime ago it was found on good authority that al Gore got into some rather alkaline water before his long diatribe last February in Jeddah, Saudi arabia, which left him rather diaphoretic and queasy, to say nothing of inchoate in his ramblings about certain far-fetched claims about arab treatment in america after 9/11, and before his speech.
Now, the notoriously progressively green Mr Gore really lets fly in the latest issue of Vanity Fair, the magazine that all the those really in the know read, or is it salivate over, I tend to forget what happens when mortals read messages from the gods — or was that Erich von Daniken or Erik the Viking going off on that.
anyway, Mr Gore really worked up quite a written rant, comparing Mr Bush to Neville Chamberlain, for not facing up to the imperiling threat of global warming and failing to save us from 9/11 because Mr Bush had Mr bin-Laden's name on a memo half-way down from the top in a huge sheaf of papers somewhere on a desk in the White House a few weeks before the attack, according to top men.
Mr Gore, in this fanfare of exculpation, has quaintly forgotten that the Clinton-Gore administration, if that eight year period can be called an administration by those schooled in the arts of business affairs, had vast arrays of bin-Laden photos, telegrams with plans of attack, 8x10 glossy photos of Osama with paragraphs and numbers on the back, pleadings for bin-Laden's arrest from foreign governments and the like kicking around 1600 Pennsylvania avenue for years. But that Everest of contrary evidence would get in the way of Mr Gore's train of thought, muddy his meandering circumlocution and ruin his alternative ending.
So, of late, Mr Gore has been known to go off like a Roman candle when attempting to talk or write any modicum of sense about the Bush administration and his latest Vanity Fair expose is just one in a long line of puzzling and highly agitated whip-sawing jeremiads of the old school, where all manner of sense, historical accuracy and any attention to any factual detail, whatsoever, is simply thrown to the wind as he, like a traveling snake tossing ad-libbing stuttering preacher of old, goes into his patented trance.
It has been noted that whether Mr Gore writes a particularly fact-free unbridled unbalanced and strident phillipic, or when he heedlessly pours his bilious spleen onto an audience, his respiration increases dramatically. as this activity continues, he breathes even faster, expelling more and more heated air into an already rapidly warming atmosphere - and after a paragraph or two, the first row folks are briskly fanning themselves, birds are flying north and local cloud formation increases.
But there is also growing evidence of equally detrimental damage to the earth's raw materials being done by Mr Gore in his ceaseless war against Mr Bush. His endless run of repetitive tyrannical speeches, his written vituperations, his many outrageous articles, combined with the untold millions of drafts, false starts, rub outs, erasures, typewriter ribbons, printer ink reservoirs, tons of discarded computer equipment and broken office furniture are taking their own toll on the environment.
First, there were the missing tracts of trees noted in alberta and British Columbia, now known to have been used for the production of paper for a single user. These shocking states of affairs were followed by the discovery of abandoned strip mines once used for the production of pencil lead going to one address. Shortly thereafter, enormous chemical plants - whose huge stacks belch a witch's brew into the recoiling atmosphere day and night in the German Ruhr region - were found to be manufacturing a variety of colored inks for the sole use of one person and his staff. Later, a major computer manufacturer was said to dedicating an entire production run to the vagaries of a single man.
Whispered rumors circulating in the corridors of power said it was all for al Gore, and that this incredible flow of resources increases when he's writing a really big and important article for a magazine with all the sublime import of a Vanity Fair or a ... New Yorker.
Following the shock of this enormous harnessing of resources, more troubling news began to seep into the planet's consciousness. The State of Maine grew worried that one of their major landfills was being co-opted by one single out of state supplier. Though he was said to be a fellow Democrat with decidedly pro-liberal leanings, the amount of discarded detritus was shocking, even to the hardy Down Easters.
They watched in awe, as did the thousands of shocked sea gulls circling above, as thousands of tons of used pads, note books, pens, pencils — many worn down to the very nub, with their erasures completely worn off — writing paper, duplicating paper, broken office chairs, carpets with their centers worn through from pacing, burned out coffee makers, broken cups and saucers, broken desks, bent floor lamps, mirrors, and make-up kits poured into the hole from triple-axled dump trucks on an hourly basis.
and they were not alone. Similar stories came in from Los angeles, Thunder Bay and Little america. Could this all be the cast off materials from one man, they wondered? Can this really all be from — al Gore?
Efforts to get, and keep, Mr Gore under control have met with only limited success. In fact, NOaa studies indicate that his excitement level seems to be increasing, with his overall gaseous output rapidly approaching that of the Poas Volcano in Costa Rica — an item he neglected to mention or to pursue in any detail in his lengthy Vanity Fair harangue, and one his fellow Greens are keeping mum on. Just as he has kept completely silent on his incredible use of valuable resources and his massive dumping of those he has consumed and squandered in his quest for the Presidency.
al, begin to take it easy. Slow down the respirations, ease up on your consumption of irreplaceable riches and start recycling for Heaven's sake. Give the ecosphere a break. Let Mother Gaia take a vacation. Cancel the butterfly effect.
Take a hint from that highly acclaimed Tookie Williams — write some children's books on something nice, like puppies. You'll get more fan mail and marriage proposals in the end.
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