Under a New Orleans crescent moon last Saturday night, in streets empty of an ambien fueled Patrick Kennedy, cops in cars, or at least G-Men toting search warrants, shook down Representative William Jefferson's Congressional offices, some said with glee, looking for the subpoenaed information he has allegedly failed to pony up.
The FBI, operatives of the Executive Branch, minions of the attorney General alberto Gonzales, who should be keeping his lonely eyes on our southern border rather than trading kissy missives with Senor Fox, invaded the sleepy oasis of the Legislative Branch.
This is a decided no-no according to a sweeping cross section of mono-maniacal legislative virtuosos like the well heeled Nancy Pelosi and the subitaneous Dennis Hastert. They now claim that the papers seized must not be even looked at out of a growing fear that the viewees may be turned into stone or perhaps, more tellingly, a pillar of salt. They suggest that the papers be either read backwards in a mirror, a la the Da Vinci Code madness, which they will provide, or that the entire six cartons of highly secret House documents be immediately returned to them for proper cataloguing.
There are however, a few valid reasons to suspect that Mr. William Jefferson is hiding something, given the $90,000 in foil-wrapped hundreds found in his home freezer, which is part of an earlier $100,000 the FBI had previously filmed Mr. Jefferson accepting in order to assist an african government set up an internet business after the poor man received a spate of heartfelt e-mails promising even greater riches. an e-mail scam which has claimed so many unwitting dupes and for which Mr. Jefferson seems to have fallen prey to--according to his unnamed shirt-tail relatives.
Nevertheless, Mr. Jefferson steadfastly refuses to cooperate in the investigation, claiming that his involvement in Congress, especially while this altogether too top-heavy body is in session, mind you, prevents him from being investigated or arrested for a felony--though the Constitution itself precisely states otherwise, and includes felonies as a reason for removal, arrest and a speedy trial.
Mr. Jefferson's spokespeople, a raft of them, also claim that rumors concerning the involvement of the camel in the situation is without merit whatsoever. a check with the New Orleans zoo reveals that all the camels are accounted for and have been since the removal of Hurricane Katrina, Vanden Heuvel and otherwise.
Ms. Pelosi, a true law and order propagandist with a similar bent to that so often displayed by Mr. Harry Reid, who has promised to cease courting murderers and rapists in his attempts to get the illegal aliens aboard our ship of state, has asked the troubled Mr. Jefferson to step down from his lofty and highly visible position on the Ways and Means Committee.
Ms. Pelosi is somewhat piqued at Mr. Jefferson's annoying behavior after her previous diatribes comparing the lily white and Simon pure Democrats to the dastardly Republicans and their riotous reign of corruption. She has, of course, always firmly discounted the hic-cups engendered by the antics of Ms. McKinney and Patrick Kennedy and his storied father, and dismissed them as mere bromide in a glass half-empty.
Mr. Jefferson, in his somewhat piquant reply, has asserted that he will not step down, not in New Orleans' hour of financial need, following the terror of Katrina, and in view of his innate ability to turn a filmed hand shake into cold hard cash.
In fact Mr. Jefferson's video parlay eclipses Ms. Clinton's miraculous transmogrification of a mere thousand dollars into a hundred thousand because he started with absolutely nothing--just a handshake--and changed that into water, wine, a creel of fish, two loans, and a cool ninety grand.
In the end of it all, it will require a majority of the entire House to demand that Mr. Jefferson vacate his seat on the Ways and Means panel. and it remains unclear if there are a sufficient number of votes among both parties to unseat the once jocular, though now, somewhat dubious, though disgraced is whispered, member.
as one wag was heard to say, "Spiro agnew was a friend of mind, but William Jefferson is no Spiro agnew."
Strangely, Mr. William Jefferson Clinton, with a name too close to Mr. Jefferson's for comfort, has been unnaturally silent throughout l'affaire William Jefferson sans Clinton.
and Mr. Clinton, as we all know, perhaps too well, has something to say about everything, and usually for far too long.
So, while the FBI tramples the oasis of the House, William Jefferson reclines on a hot sofa, subpoena in hand, flanked by Ms. Pelosi and Mr. Hastert, as Maria Muldaur croons away — "You don't have to answer, there's no need to speak…"
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